Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
This morning, I got on a scale and had an ALL TIME LOW!!! A low I haven't since since January 2 or 3rd of 1999 after leaving my husband and losing weight. How excited was I this morning? Woohoo I couldn't believe it. Well, I got off the scale and did a little happy dance, literally, I really did and I got back on the scale. MISTAKE, I had gained 3 pounds after my happy dance. Got back on again, I weighed differently. Either I am gaining and losing weight within seconds of each other or I need a new scale.
I love my weight watchers scale that I currently have. Now I don't like it so much since it took away my all time low. :(
What do you use?
What have you used?
What should I stay away from?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I got a bit wrapped up in the holiday and got to spend four days with my girls. My little runt is finally talking up a storm. She had me in tears so many times over the last few days. I couldn't be prouder of her accomplishments. Granted she is almost 2 and is barely talking, but now she is making up for lost time. Just a couple of weeks we had our first form of communication (she would put her finger in her mouth to let me know she wanted something to eat or drink) and now she is "talking". I can't imagine what I am going to do when she puts more than two words together or forms a sentence.
Here is the latest in life:
- Dad is in the hospital. We almost lost him. He is a paraplegic and is prone to bladder infections. Well, this one went septic. He has been in the hospital since last Tuesday.
- Baby Isabella came home from the hospital last Wednesday. She is thriving.
- My house is almost all decorated for Christmas. I may not be unpacked but I definitely have a festive house.
- My oldest daughter says that Christmas is "Jesus Birthday." She makes mama proud too.
- After my second fill I was super duper tight. I lost almost 5 pounds during the 48 hours of liquids I was on too. I was as tight as could be. Or so I thought. :(
- I was able to eat anything and everything I wanted over the weekend. Bread, absolutely no problem. That really sucks for me.
- I managed to lose a pound over the holiday.
- I seem to be able to eat fast, not chew well, and eat often. Other than portion size, I wouldn't know I had a band.
- I think I need to work my band more than I am. That is my plan anyways.
- I am still drinking before, during, and after a meal. I am not able to overcome this. I do it subconsciously that I am I left thinking WTF after I have done it.
- I didn't take one of my blood pressure medications which is a diuretic since last Wednesday, I am hoping to see a loss by tomorrow.
- I should be grateful for the loss I have had and not dwell on the fact that it isn't coming off as fast as it once was.
- I meant to post this one sooner. I moved into "my" bathroom at my house a couple of weeks ago. My shower is just a stall. When I went to shave my legs I didn't have a ledge to put my foot on so, I just bent over and shaved. After the fact I realized WOW!, I don't need a ledge my stomach isn't in my way like before.
- I decorated the outside palm trees with Christmas lights and never got tired, winded, or took a break. I am still amazed at this one.
- My car seat has a memory button that I programmed back in 2009 sometime... I now need to adjust it. My stomach isn't in the way like before.
- I went all four days off without a nap and was almost constantly doing something. Don't get me wrong, by the end of the day I am exhausted and feel like I could sleep standing up. My point is: I can make it through a day not as exhausted as I was months ago.
- I have lost nearly 70 pounds since I first saw my surgeon.
- I am finally feeling "lighter"
Have a good day all!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My sister: In so many ways you are my best friend. We fight a lot, (over nothing really) but we love each other to no end. You are my rock sister. You are ALWAYS there when I need you. I know you won't read this, but I love you dearly.
Blondie, my bond to you is no different than the bond to my sister. I love you girl. Almost 30 years later and I still turn to you.
D, even though it seems we have reached the end of our friendship, I will love you dearly and cherish all the fun times we had. I pray for time to put us back to where we were.
Rose, we are living our child dreams we just aren't together. I am so proud of you and all your accomplishments. You are the successful one out of all of us. You go girl!
Maggie, my dearest friend on the earth. I wish we lived closer.
Ron, thank you for being you.
Sandi, for what you tried to do for our family. I still wish things were different.
My family: Mom, Dad, Brother, I love you!
My employer: I am fortunate to have a job that provides a roof over our head and food on our table. Just fortunate to be employed.
Our new home: It is just what the girls and I needed. We were fortunate to find the right home at the right price and at the right time. God works wonders.
Thank you God for taking care of my daughters during their surgeries and keeping them healthy the rest of the time.
Thank you God for taking care of Baby Isabella.
Thank you God for Baby Kelsee.
Thank you God for blessing me with my wonderful life.
Edited to include my Lap Band thanks.
I am thankful for my Lap Band and the opportunity it is giving me to be healthy once again.
Thank you LOLA, my Lap Band for the weight loss tool I needed for the 27 pound loss since surgery on August 19th.
What are you thankful for?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
In my mind I know what I did, I picked up my girls during recovery. There is no way to be a mother without picking up your children. They were both in cribs during that time. I guess that can explain why it hurts and why I had that period of time when it hurt so much before.
Also, there was a gal after me that came in for her fill when she went back she came back out and I commented on how fast she was done. She said they didn't do a fill for her and that she was tight enough since she had lost 9 pounds in six weeks. I was thinking WTF again. How does my Dr think that only half a pound a week is acceptable. I was hoping to lose at least ten by my next fill. I know slow and steady is the key to success, but heck, I could have lost half a pound a week on my own without the band. YEAH RIGHT!!! I know the truth, I NEED MY BAND.
Monday, November 22, 2010
WOW! Nothing else can be said. Amey sent me two of the biggest boxes of clothes. You can literally fit my but in the box that's how big they are.
I feel like it is Christmas already.
When I wear something she sent I will post a pic so long as I have someone that can take one. My 3 year old isn't capable yet. lol
Amey sent me a jacket too, yup I'm wearing that tomorrow. :) I am so blessed to have "met" her. All of you bloggers actually. Thank you for your love & support.
Good night all!
Today was my 2nd fill. It was pretty uneventful which I am grateful for. I got 2ccs for a total of 6 ccs in my 14cc band. I lost five pounds these last six weeks. I will take it. Especially since I did have a gain in there and my weekend full of buffets. So I will take my loss and smile about it. I am now at a total loss of exactly 66 pounds since my journey started. That loss does includes lowering my BMI & getting my liver healthier/unfat(ter). From May 18th to today I lost 66 pounds. I still can't freaking believe it.
When I weighed in for my fill I was disappointed with only a five pound loss. My Dr said she would like to see a half pound loss per week. WTF! Talk about confusion as to what would be a good amount. I want at least a 1.5 pound loss per week. Well, at least I hope for a 1.5 pound loss a week.
I was the first fill appointment today and I got in & out pretty fast or at least I think so anyways. I had to stay and drink 24 ounces of water afterwards. OMGee it felt so weird to drink.
Oh yeah, while I was having the fill done I was gurgling. It was strange. I almost had her stop but she was finished at that point. I had a smoothie after my fill and some soup about two hours later. I can definitely tell the difference. This sensation of getting full so fast seems very "strange" to me. I am saying that is retrosspect and that is because I had soft serve ice cream for dinner and I got full of of about 3 ounces and it felt like I had over eaten and had a rock in my stomach. Its been about two hours since I ate it and I still feel uncomfortable.
I am hoping I am not going to need an unfill. Share your thoughts with me.
Have a good night all!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Its Not About Restriction by Dr. Terry Simpson on Losing the Fluff Blog
This post has stayed with me since I first saw it. I even have it bookmarked on my phone. I am not sure how I found it and I haven't done any research on the author, but something completely stood out for me. I did have an appointment to see Dr. Simpson, but decided to have surgery in my hometown instead of traveling 170 miles each way for after care.
"Some describe a "soft stop." Where before a sense of fullness occurs, there is a signal from your body -- this can be a runny nose, a sigh, or a subtle ache in the left shoulder. Patients who find this "soft stop," do very well with the band."
I know what my "soft stop" is. I first sigh, a big sigh and it is noticeable. I have tried to deny it is there, but it is. I think I have another one too. I think my nose starts to run when I am full too. I am a bit iffy on this one for a couple of reasons.
1. I probably don't want to acknowledge it is there.
2. It could be the salsa / hot sauce.
3. I had sinus surgery in June and I suffer from allergies.
Okay, I am more than likely in denial that either one exists and is obvious to me. :(
That article made me open my eyes. Made me realize the wrong I have done to my band. I have shared that blog info with only two people. My sister and Ron. I know I have all the signs but in retrospect, I knowingly deny the fact that they are there.
Here is what I am hoping for on my second fill. In no particular order either just writing off of the top of my head.
1. I am hoping I WILL have trouble eating ANYTHING I want. I hope I will not be able to eat bread anymore. I can eat shrimp, I can eat anything I choose to put into my mouth.
2. I am hoping to learn the difference between restriction and appetite suppression and find out which one is the one that works best for me.
3. I am going to start measuring my food more often AND not eat off of the BIG plate if I am out to eat. Somethings I can eyeball very well others I have no concept.
4. I absolutely need to stop drinking while I eat. This WILL BE my hardest to overcome. I need to have something to "wash" the food down with.
5. I need to start exercising. Yes, I can come up with excuses not to during the work week. However, there is Thursday night, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday day.
6. I need to count my calories more since I have learned that less calories work better for me.
7. I need to up my protein, My hair loss is still outrageous. I even cut my hair and layered it with short layers.
8. I need to plan healthier dinners for myself which includes my girls. Dinner seems to get me every single time.
9. I will try to listen to my body when it tells me I am done and I get that "sigh" or "runny nose" even if I have only had one bite of something.
10. I am going to rock this next fill and have some accountable weight loss.
When I check in I anticipate a 1 lb per week weight loss. I would love to see more. I just hope I don't see less. The scale tells me its about a 6 lb loss. I could say to myself that slow and steady is better. What I am not saying to myself is, oh yeah girl, you gained weight and had to lose it too. I can't tear myself up over that anymore. I am taking it as a lesson learned am I am looking forward to the next 6 week learning experience.
Will you share with me your thoughts on appetite suppression versus restriction?
Which works for you?
Which do you use?
Do you consider both to be just as important as the other?
Share your stories with me.
What are your comments on the article by Dr. Terry Simpson?
Have a great day all!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I finally feel like I am back in control. Everything else is just a speed bump that is going to slow me down, but I can get over those.
Life is good!!!
Hope you are all having a great day.
Do you all only drink water?
Have a great day all!
Monday, November 15, 2010
This was sent to me on facebook.
1. Last beverage:
Iced Tea with Lemon
2. Last phone call:
Work phone call.
3. Last text message:
4. Last song you heard:
Just The Way You Are, by Bruno Mars
5. The last time you cried:
HAVE YOU EVER
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with:
Yes, it still didn't work out. lol
7. Been cheated on:
8. Kissed someone & regretted it:
9. Lost someone special:
Yes, my grandmother
10. Been depressed:
11. Been drunk and threw up:
YES. (poor me)
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Hot Pink
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend:
16. Fallen out of love:
17. Laughed until you cried:
Just did that all weekend long.
18. Met someone who changed you:
19. Found out who your true friends were:
Yes, but I have always known.
20. Found out someone was talking about you:
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list:
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life:
Not all, but I plan to meet the special ladies someday!
23. How many kids do you want?:
The two that I have
24. Do you have any pets?:
2 dogs and a cat
25. Do you want to change your name:
Nope, I am happy with my daddy's name.
26. What did you do for your last birthday:
Went to the gay bar called "The Closet"
27. What time did you wake up?:
3:15 am. Tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 4:30 am.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night?:
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for?:
The day I become a grandma!
30. Last time you saw your Mother:
3 days ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:
I wish I could be a stay at home mom.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:
Yes, and kissed him too. :)
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?:
me, myself, and I. :(
35. Most visited website?:
36. Whats your real name:
Angela Yvonne Smith
37. Who's your best friend?:
Sister, Diana Smith
38. Relationship Status:
39. Zodiac sign:
40. Male or female?:
41. Primary School?:
42. Secondary School?:
43. High school/college?:
44. Hair color:
45. Long or short:
Medium, a week ago it was long.
47. Do you have a crush on someone?:
48: What do you like about yourself?:
That I am me!
4. 2 in each ear
Hummingbird with a hibiscus on my left foot.
51. Righty or lefty:
Left ankle surgery
53. First piercing:
The day I got home from the hospital after being born.
54. First best friend:
Her name was Dawn and lived down the street from me. Her father was a Marine and got stationed somewhere else. I wish I could remember her last name.
55. First sport you joined:
56. First vacation:
Disneyland. I remember barely fitting in the teacups.
58. First Kiss:
I will never tell. I was young. :)
Just had a ham & cheese roll up
Iced Tea with Lemon
61. I'm about to:
Answer the phone
62. Listening to:
63. Waiting for:
When I can hold my girls again. Okay, actually waiting to get off work so I can pick up the girls at daycare.
64. Want kids?:
No, just grandchildren.
65. Get married?:
Doesn't appeal to me. Been there, done that.
I would like to teach.
7. Lips or eyes:
68. Hugs or kisses:
Hugs. Can I have one now?
69. Shorter or taller:
Taller 70. Older or Younger:
71. Romantic or spontaneous:
72. Nice stomach or nice arms:
For hugs, nice arms. To look at (lust after) nice stomach
73. Sensitive or loud:
74. Hook-up or relationship:
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger:
77. Drank hard liquor:
78. Lost glasses/contacts:
80. Broken someone's heart:
I think so
82. Been arrested:
83. Turned someone down:
84. Cried when someone died:
Well of course.
85. Fallen for a friend:
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
87. Believe in God?:
88. Love at first sight:
Yes, but its more like lust at first sight.
90. Santa Claus:
I wish I still did. :)
91. Kiss on the first date:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
95. Did you sing today?:
96. Ever cheated on somebody?:
If kissing counts then yes. :(
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
I wouldn't for the sake of not having my girls now.
98. The moment you would choose to relive?:
The adoption day when the girls became MINE!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?:
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths?:
Afraid no. Apprehensive, yes!
He loves to eat. He is actually the one that introduced me to "eating out" and "good" stuff. Good lessons learned that I have enjoyed since I was 18. I LOVE TO EAT!!! I definitely enjoyed our eating adventure.
I will say OH MY GOODNESS can I eat. Where in the heck is my band? Is it only because I have had one fill? Is it because I miss food? Or is it because I am failing?
Our eating adventure started out normal. I didn't over eat.
Thursday: Breakfast: Breakfast Burritos, ate what I would normally eat. Probably a total of a third to one half of a burrito. I had two different kinds.
Lunch: I think we skipped lunch.
Dinner: Buffet, all you can eat Chinese buffet. I ate a lot. Not anywhere near "before band" normal. Definitely a lot more than I normally eat now.
Friday: Breakfast:: Buffet, all you can eat made to order omelette breakfast. Definitely overate. Still not to "before band" normal.
Lunch, skipped again, was told not to eat and wait for dinner. :(
Dinner: Buffet, all you can eat Alaskan King Crab Legs. I think we might have been at the "before band" normal eating. I felt myself get full... AND, I still had more. I think I felt a little "pop" while eating and then I continued to eat. It was so freaking good and Crab is my all time favorite. I paid a price for it once we got home. :( Next time I will eat so I am not "starving" when I finally get some food.
Saturday: Breakfast: I had a bagel & laughing cow cheese. Snacked a bit, okay, probably a lot!
Lunch: I had nachos
Dinner: I made pot roast had a normal post band serving. :) AND... one slice of garlic bread and a asiago cheese bread loaf, it was a small loaf and I shared. :(
Desert:: Coconut Cream Pie
Sunday: Breakfast:: Buffet, all you can eat omelette again. Yes, I overate, it has now become a habit again.
Lunch: none if you don't count the coconut cream pie.
Dinner, Chinese, normal post band serving.
Today: Back to basics. Smaller portions. Maybe not the greatest choices, but definitely smaller. Hamburger slider for breakfast and one for lunch with some tater tots. The electrical department is celebrating a birthday and we got the leftovers. So far I have had my 10 pretzel wheat sticks for a total of 100 calories that I split into two - five stick servings.
Am i worried about being able to eat so much. Heck yeah! Am I scared I will fail my band? ABSOLUTELY!
As of today, I am making better choices and going back to basics. Fortunately, I did lose 2 pounds from last week's challenge weigh in. I still use Thursday as my official weigh in day. I hope I have good news to share then.
Have a great day all!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I wish for happiness for everyone. I think I am close to being me again. It feels great.
I wish love for everyone too. Love is amazing and feels super great.
I wish for you all to meet your goals. I am doing okay in that area. No gain so I am good.
I also wish my house would organize and sort itself out. I wish the furniture was in place etc. Its just me doing this and it will take time. I still try daily to blink my eyes and twitch my nose. It just doesn't seem to work.
Have a great day all,
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I will say Halloween didn't do me in. I have always been okay with sweets. I have had more candy here at work than I did the whole weekend. My downfall is food. However, I did have my daughters belated 3rd Birthday party and the cake has just about done me in. I got a white strawberry filled cake with butter cream frosting AND it was surrounded by cupcakes. OH MY GOODNESS, it IS delicious.
I have been super busy and haven't posted much. I couldn't tell you why I have been busy other than I was trying to get the house presentable for the birthday party. I have been in bed early each night.
I did get us a new puppy she is a lab / shepherd mix. That is what I was told. Her parents are about 45 pounds or so and don't really look like either a lab or shepherd. I was hoping for a bigger dog since she will the girls' protector. Either way, she will be perfect whatever size she ends up being. I have her sleeping in one of the pack and plays in the girls room at night so she can learn that that is where she will be sleeping. During the day, I lock her up in my bathroom. Good thing I removed the rugs. :( Today will be day two. Yesterday I had to throw away her pillow and wash the sheet. Today she got a piddle pad and a blankie. Can't quite decide her name. When I first saw her I thought sugar. She looks like brown sugar to me. Now that we have had her for the second night she is very willfull (not sure if that is a word) and was thinking Willa. My oldest daughter calls her both. I think poopette would probably fit her well too. lol
Life is getting better and I am doing much better mentally. Physically I guess it just doesn't matter how much weight I lose my knees are still killing me. My primary care physician said we can't undo the damage. Obviously the arthritis doesn't help it either. My back has been hurting more now too. Any of you go through that?
Baby Isabella is more than likely coming home next week. They originally said it would be around Thanksgiving or so after her surgery. She is now 7lbs 2oz. She has come a long way from 3lbs 3oz. She is definitely a fighter. Grauntie (since I am a GReat AUNTIE) couldn't be happier. I am sure you can only imagine how my niece and sister feel.
I was given a new (used) toddler bed for Leeah last night so I am going to give Baby Isabella one of the cribs which is currently the toddler bed for my oldest so she can have a nice place to come home to. I am also giving her my old baby room decorations and such. I am going to surprise my niece by having it all set up for her. I am super excited I get to decorate another room. :)
Baby Kelsee, my daughter's biological sister that I fostered for a short time is doing well. She is still in Foster Care, but my brother, her father and mother are doing well and are making progress in life. I hope they get her back. They have until February to get it all together.
My youngest is doing well from her eye surgery. I read the surgery report and it made my stomach turn to realize what she really went through. All I can say is thank you God for holding her hand through it all.
Have a great day all!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I am still unsure, but I think the difference was that I reduced my calories.
For years, since 1998 to be exact, I have counted carbs. I started Lindora Medical Diet which is Dr supervised in 1998 for the very first time. I learned to count carbs. 60 to 70 grams of carbs a day. I stayed with the leaner proteins. I wouldn't eat a pound of bacon a day etc. It worked. I would use it off and on to lose weight. While I was with Lindora, it worked wonderfully.
I applied all I knew about how to lose weight pre-op while lowering my bmi and post op. I knew I wasn't eating as good as I should but I still counted my carbs. This last week I decided to switch to counting calories. What do you know??? I lost weight.
I have always heard and known that calories in and out were what mattered. I guess I have to say it worked for me this week too.
I am going to give it another week watching my calories and see what happens. If it works I am going to stick with it.
What is your opinion on carbs vs calories?
Have a great day all!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I have been having them with Light Laughing Cow Cheese in Garlice Herb. I'm in love.
For lunch today I decided to use the and make a sandwhich. I toasted the bagel set it aside. Heated up in the microwave 3 slices of ham & 3 slices of chicken I used Oscar Meyer Rotisserie Chicken & O.M. Honey Ham (6 slices is 50 Calories) with 1 slice of swiss cheese. Total of 220 calories of pure delicousness.
Only drawback it was so good my head says have another. My band is saying dont you dare!
Maybe I will have one for my 3rd meal of the workday.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I haven't talked about Ron lately. He is still the great guy that he has always been. He is actually more amazing than I am giving him credit here. He is also a handy man. Thank you Babe for doing all the odds and ends at the new house. I am so happy I have cold water in my washing machine. :)
Depression is doing better. I still feel on the verge of teetering over the edge. I have been on my medication for a few days. I think another week or so and I should be adjusted a bit better. I was off of them for almost two weeks. I hope I never go through that again. Walking that edge was and IS miserable.
As for the new house, well, the third bedroom has become a storage room. My girls are wearing the same they wore last week. At least they are clean. =) Everything is in that bedroom and the door is closed. I did have the kitchen set up how I wanted it until my fridge was delivered and I went to my old apartment to grab the food and the remainder of the kitchen stuff. Yikes, all that progress and it looks horrible now and so much room I need to find for the other stuff. However, I LOVE my house. The girls are happy there too. Kaylee is waking up more each night and I wonder if she is still adjusting. I gave Leeah a toddler bed when we moved in. She loves it.
My oldest daughter turned 3 a few weeks ago. I still haven't had her birthday party. I am hoping to have it this weekend for her. She doesn't think she has had a birthday yet. She says "its my birthday next". Even if it is just the family I think she needs to have her cupcakes she has wanted.
Baby Isabella will be having surgery for her intestinal blockage on Thursday the 28th. God has everything under control. Once Baby Isabella is recovered from surgery she should be able to be discharged from the hospital and come home from Phoenix.
Baby Kelsee is still in foster care. My brother and his wife are making progress on getting her back. I hope they continue to do so. She needs to come home soon.
Overall, life is looking brighter.
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I hope you are all are having a great day.
Look me up on facebook under my name: Angela Yvonne Smith
Twitter I can be found under: MizzAngyl
Emial is: firstname.lastname@example.org
On a brighter side: I FOUND MY MEDS! I took one last night. Mind over matter, I already feel better. The world is looking up. I will let you know in about 2 weeks how I am doing.
I found this quote today and I thought I would share:
Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Two weeks in a row now Draz has blogged about my feelings. 1st was the dieting and children. Now its about depression.
I know she can't be inside my head, I haven't met her. Do I feel a connection to her, absolutely. I think we all do. How does she know what I am going through? Well, she doesn't know what I am going through. This is just life and we all go through it. Some of us will blog about and it will help to a certain degree. Some of us will hide from it and hope it isn't here.
I am going to blog and hope it helps me. I am also going to blog about it in hopes that those that are around me will understand why I have withdrawn.
Here is the history.
I have been on antidepressants since 1996. My husband and his mother had an intervention with me. I remember talking to the gal on the Medical line (I had Kaiser Ins at the time and everything was handled though one number at the time) and I remember her telling me I was in some kind of state I told her I wasn't. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Now it is time to give you an update of my life at the time and what "caused" my depression. I had just gotten married, my in-laws moved in with us. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. I spent two weeks in a woman's shelter and I went back. Then the intervention happened. Of course I was depressed. What else would you call it?
When I moved from Cali back to Arizona I was laid of from my job making 52k a year. I worked in Aerospace. I was Human Resources and Payroll. I oversaw Accounts Payable. I loved my job. I loved Cali. I loved my life to an extent. I came home to AZ to "vacation". It was the first time I could spend any length of time in AZ with my family. I had 6 weeks of severance pay to get my life in order. I applied for one job and got it. I was hired in Yuma making almost $12.00 an hour. Let me tell you, that is actually really good pay here in town. I remember driving to work and seeing the big power poles on the side of the road and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. My parents would be taken care of, I had a huge life insurance policy on me at the time out of fear of what my husband would do when I left him. Suicide was a covered death. I checked. It wasn't just the low paying job it was everything. When you are depressed there isn't and exact reason as to why you are depressed. YOU JUST ARE. At least that is how it was for me.
I had planned my date as to when I was going to drive into the power pole. I will tell you that to this date I do not take Ave C to work on a regular basis. The thought of what could have been is still to vivid and its about 7 years later.
Here comes the epiphany.
I had a dream. I was walking on water. I soon figured out I should be and couldn't actually be walking on water and started to sink and drown. I heard a big loud booming voice that said "If you believe in Me, you will be okay". I was seeing the Dr again. Yes, he knew about the power poles. We were trying to adjust my meds to find me some comfort and peace. I told him about my dream and he said, "You just had an epiphany, what are you going to do about it"? My Dr ended up adding an additional antidepressant to the mix. Momma Henri comes into my life and introduces to a bible study. Some of you may remember there was a lot of talk and such about A Purpose Driven Life by Phil Warren. Yes, I was part of that big bible study the country did together. I LOVED IT!!! God helped me in so many ways. I was saved on Palm Sunday that year. I was born and raised Catholic and I chose to become a Christian. I am so proud to be a Christian too. I know God is there for me always. Even when I am depressed.
I have had so much going on in my life. I am not sure how much more I can handle. I can't find my anti-depressants and have been out for about a week. I am actually not really sure I can afford the $60 copay right now to refill them. Actually, I know I can't. I don't have $60 to spare on myself at this moment. There are other priorities. I know I have some somewhere. In the mess of moving they are missing. I have always said I don't ever want to know what I am like without my meds. I am now finding out. I don't like it. I feel awful. I am at wits end. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to be strong for my girls. This hurts to admit, but they are seeing a change in me. I am not as "easy" on them as I normally am. I am quick to anger. I am very unhappy. I hate the way I feel. I love my life. I love my girls. I love our new house.
I haven't looked up the side affects of stopping your antidepressants do to you. I could tell you what I think they do. I don't like the feeling at all.
I do think part of my dizziness and tiredness is from being depressed. I wish I could have caught on to that when I saw my Primary Care Physician last month. I am sure part of that is my blood pressure and my blood pressure meds from losing weight. However, I now the truth of the matter is depression. When I was told I was clinically depressed I was told I would probably be on meds the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I don't feel a stigma from it. It is what makes me me. However, this new bout of depression is different. Its harder to handle. Its harder to hide. Its harder on me. I don't want my girls to see or know what I feel. My oldest has only seen me cry once and that is because Kaylee fell out of my arms at about 2 months old. I had to have everyone over to make sure she was okay. Also because I had to take her to the emergency room. Before someone thinks I am a child abuser I will explain myself on this. I did say she fell out of my arms. I didn't drop her. She was a hard baby to handle. Didn't like to be held, fussed a lot. Wouldn't sleep more than an hour or two max at a time. I always say if she would have been first there would not have been two. Kaylee is autistic. Hopefully you can understand and relate to the type of baby she was. Needless to say she fell out of my arms and landed in the laundry basket. She didn't get hurt and I didn't take her to the ER. She was fine. I was scared, terrified actually. Both girls were wards of the state at that time and the adoption wasn't final. I refuse to let my girls see me cry. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I look at my girls and I know the world will be okay someday again. I will survive.
I have withdrawn from those that matter. I don't text as much as before. I don't like to use the phone so communication has been reduced on all ends. I don't look anyone in the eyes. I don't plan something to do. I just do what is necessary. I survive.
I will attempt to not overeat.
I will attempt to keep communication going.
I will try not to withdraw any further. I know that is not possible and I may lose people currently in my life.
I will do this for myself and my girls.
I will land on my feet. I am like a cat after all.
I hope it is tomorrow. I know it may not be.
I will be me.
I will be happy.
I will be excited to greet the day.
As for now.
I have my girls,
I have God.
I have myself.
FIND MY EFFING MEDS AND SEE IF THEY HELP. If not, I will call my Dr. and tell him I am out of control. I guess I will do my own intervention. :)
This morning when I got to work one of the farmers sent up cantelopes. I cut one up for breakfast Oh my goodness it was so juicy and sweet.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I have had my share of stress and yesterday I noticed that I am over eating. The week before I had gained a few pounds. I was out of town for my oldest daughter's surgery. Today, I got on the scale and I gained a few more. Thursday is my weigh in day, but I wanted to know the damage. It isn't pretty. I am up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. On Thursday I will post a more accurate number since I have not had any of my diuretics since last Thursday. Yes, I take them daily, they are part of my high blood pressure medication. I moved on Friday and was just too busy to take them since frequent bathroom trips are called for.
Friday, Ron picked up pizza for us. I did very well. I had the toppings off of 4 slices. Not too shabby. Especially since it was Little Cesars pizza. There isn't much topping on there to begin with.
Saturday I can't remember what we had for dinner. Sunday was the whopper. My SIL dropped off a Large Blimpie Sandwich. The girls were napping so I tore into half of it. Ate a bit of the bread, and all of the meat. WOW! I just ate half a footlong. Continued on with my day. Ron picked up Little Cesars pizza again for dinner plus a cheesy bread thingy. I had two whole slices (I believe) and three slices of the cheesy bread and that is after I went and had the third piece of cheesy bread. It all went down easy, I didn't get stuck, I didn't chew well, it was gobbled and inhaled. I literally ate without thinking. I was my old self. Granted, I did eat much less than I would have normally. I used to be able to EAT pizza like a champ.
Monday, I had the meat out of the Blimpie Sandwich before work. It held me over til lunch time when I went to get lunch. I ordered a Spinach tuna wrap on a bed of salad and a side of chicken salad for later. I hate half of my wrap ate the two pieces of tomatoes and two pieces of cucumber off of my salad. For my afternoon meal/snack I had the other half of the wrap. Let me explain that I work ten hour days and I eat an average of 3 times while at work. I don't or shall I say I have not over eaten at work because I plan my meals. Not saying it isn't possible but it hasn't happened. My 3 meals a day at work have allowed me to lose weight. I do go home and have some sort of dinner. Usually a soup because I feed myself something other than what I feed the girls.
Sooo, Monday after work I had to go and pick up some milk. My girls are both on bottles. Yes, my 3 year old too. Only she has one when she goes to sleep. Yes, its bad for their teeth. So far so good. I do plan on breaking her of that and she is aware of it. I have told her for months when she turns 3 she will not have a baba anymore. She once told me she didn't want to be 3 anymore. lol However, until we are moved and settled I will not do this to her. My 1 year old will also go off of the pacifier when this happens. She only gets her pacifier when it is time to go to sleep. Back to the milk, I went to a different store than normal and happened to head down the chip aisle on my way to find the milk. OH BOY! the chips landed in my cart so fast. I don't know how that happened. Once in the car I opened up the chips. They were my all time favorites. Lays Kettle BBQ... yummy. I picked up the girls, loaded up stuff from the apt, took it to the house, stopped by my parents to wish my mom happy birthday. Ran through Weinershnitzel to get my girls some corndogs. Fast and easy. NOT HEALTHY! But easy. By the time we got home the chips were gone. This was within a couple of hours. ABSOLUTELY gone and in my belly. Since it was an 8 ounce bag of chips does that mean I only had a "cup" of food? I was shocked that they were gone. They went down easy. No problems what so ever.
After I got the girls to bed and I crawled into bed myself I realized I had also eaten about one whole corn dog too. I was appalled that I had done this. NO LESSONS LEARNED in the last 5 months. Then I realized, my worries weren't as big as they have been before bedtime. I had reverted back to my old ways and had eaten to feel better. I fell asleep telling myself that tomorrow (today) would be a new day.
This morning I ordered the insides of a breakfast burrito times two. Yes, I ordered two plates. I ordered egg, bacon, ham, and cheese. I ordered two plates. I ate about half for breakfast. The other half about 2.5 hours later. Now I am eating lunch. Panda express 3 entree meal I am sharing with a co-worker. Today is a better day. I am stuffed and I continued to eat a bit more. Until that one more bite would be too much. NOW I feel happy. Have I failed completely? I don't think so. Did I do what I set out to do today? NOPE!
Here is to hoping for a better rest of the day.
I have no restriction.
I have not learned how to overcome feeling better with food.
I am worried I am going to fail at the band.
I DO EAT LESS THAN BEFORE. A whole lot less. I don't know if that "less" is going to be sufficient for weight loss.
I still depend on food to make me feel better. This may never end.
Hoping the rest of my day is better.
One meal at a time.
I promise once I am completely moved and settled in our new house that I will try to blog more often.
Needless to say the last few weeks have been heck. Both of my daughters had surgery 9 days apart. My mini van was vandalized in between. Baby Isabella was air ambulanced to another city. The move from the apt to a house. My van having the same mechanical problem it had a year ago when it was under factory warranty. I have only had my van 3 nights before I took it back to Chevy to get it fixed for the same problem only its worse now. I have been in a rental since Oct 1st. My finances are literally killing me, I could go on and on. However, all of that has contributed to self medicating with food. I just realized this last night. I will touch more on it in another post.
I am glad I am not anonymous in my blog. There was a time when I wish I would have been. I have realized this blog is literally about becoming a better me. That includes my life's obstacles too. Everything affects me and makes me who I am. I am blessed to have the life that I have and the obstacles to learn from. This is my life, the good bad and the ugly. I will put it out there.
I read Shrinking Kenz today and it upset me. Blogging is for me, myself, and I. I am sure there are others that feel this way. Why would "Maureen" think she is an expert and criticize someone?
This post is literally mumbo jumbo. That is how I feel right now. I don't know which end is up, I am not even sure I want to know either.
This is my "poor me" post. I am going to rise above it as I always have. I am like a cat, I WILL always land on my feet. They might be singed or bruised but I will land on my feet.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Anyways, I had my fill and I got my daughters some corndogs and me some soft serve ice cream. My oldest who just turned 3 last weekend asks me if it is Diet. I say yes of course. I will go so far as to say she has no idea what a diet is. However, she does know that I had surgery on my belly. She has no idea why whatsoever. She has never said I am fat. She has said she wants a big "pansa" / belly like me. Pansa is a term for belly in Spanish. She has no idea what she is talking about.
Because my girls are adopted I know that they have my genetics. They also have their biological mother's genetics too and she is petite and fairly thin. My brother is about 5'11'' and weighs about 200 probably. Not fat and not thin. My mom was a big lady as I was growing up. I remember when she lost weight and got her first pair of 501 Levis on in the 1980's sometime. I believe she graduated high school at about 180. I graduated high school at 141. I was never the thin girl and of course I always thought I was fat. I was just the bigger girl. My girls have some bad genetics just by being who they are. I ballooned to 323 pounds. That is my heaviest recorded weight. I could have been higher, I couldn't tell you honestly because I wouldn't get on the scale unless it was at a doctors office.
I have from day one of having my girls watched their sugar intake. Avoided fast food. That isn't the case so much now. We probably average about once every two weeks or so for fast food. The only time they had candy was if my friend Kim would give it to them. I have constantly worried that they would be fat. Leeah, my oldest is a big girl. She will more than likely be built bigger than her friends. She is currently 43 lbs and 43 inches and is 3 years old. She is big, I do not consider her fat in any way. She has always been at around 90% on the growth chart. Kaylee has been hovering around 19% on the growth chart. I call her my runt and she literally is.
Once I started my pre-op diet I used the word "DIET". Leeah of course would ask if my food was diet because that is what I said. I would occasionally give her tastes of my "diet" food. Kaylee loves anything. Leeah is a picky eater.
Sooo, back to the ice cream. I lied and told Leeah it was diet. It wasn't. I told her I had a little "surgery" today and I need it to make my pansa big. Again, she says she wants a big pansa. I am sure she doesn't understand and to explain it to a 3 year old is hard.
Sooo, back to Momma Henri, I was telling her the gist of my diet conversation with Leeah and how I do not want her to think that life is a diet. I want her to enjoy her life and be happy of who she is. On the same hand, I will also say I am glad I wasn't a fat kid in school. It doesn't matter that I thought I was, I wasn't teased or harassed. I was fortunate. Granted when I was a kid I would get a snack upon getting out of school. My grandma would most likely make us a quesadilla. I would later have dinner too. I was one of those kids that was outside til the sun went down and was always active. I want the same for my children. However, I have been starting to worry about what my dieting is doing to my children. Momma Henri suggested I tell them that we are eating "healthy". I think that says it all.
I am done with lunch and will post more later.
I need suggestions and advice on how to handle dieting with children. I don't want them to feel that it is a way of life and the only way they will be happy is if they are thin.
Love ya all!
Monday, October 11, 2010
I check in for my first fill and all seems normal. I already knew it was going to be done at the hospital. I assumed the Bariatric Nurse was going to be doing the fill since she is now licensed or something to do them in AZ. She said she was the first in AZ.
I'm waiting to be called back in and I hear the nurse before I see her. lol. I love her outgoing personality. What surprised me is that the nurse called a few of us to go back. We get back in the room and get on the body mass scale. (Something that gives about 50 readings and a print out). According to that scale I am down 57 pounds. I kept staring at the two printouts with the past and present information. Stunned is about the right word for how I felt. Keep in mind only 14 of that is post op since August 19th. 7.5 weeks later. My home scale gives me a higher loss than any other scale. I also had some stress eating while out of town for my daughter's surgery and over my grand niece Isabella.
I noticed that my surgeon and nurse are both wearing x-ray smocks so of course I ask why. The answer is fills are done under xray & we have a barium swallow test too. I am shocked. Stress level instantly goes up. I sure as heck did not expect that. I thought I was just going to get a poke with some saline. The guy to my left was having his first fill also. He handled it a lot better than I did. Some are saying they have been poked up to 9 times at one fill. Its now my turn, I go back and am immediately given my barium. Stand, swallow, & I'm good to go. Time to lay on the x-ray table. My eyes are all bug eyed because I am trying to see everything. It looks like everything for a fill comes in a box. Let me tell you that I've never really been afraid of needles. I used to take Depo and that was a huge needle so I am still thinking no biggie. Yeah right... today was a BIG needle. The nurse is squirting saline out of the syringe and all I could think is I wish that was going in me. Next thing you know saline landed on me. Close to what I was thinking but not quite what I wanted.
My surgeon is feeling around and looking on the screen as I am holding a half sit up pose. She says ok here goes the 'big poke'. OUCH it was a miss. I think I moved on her. My port continues to be sore so I am sure I flinched. She tries again... here goes the poke... OMG it felt like she was trying to hit a wall or something. I swear it thudded. She is pushing and pushing on the syringe plunger I don't really feel anything other than the 'big poke'. She gave me 3 ccs so I now have 4 ccs. I was given 1 cc at surgery. I get to stand up and go have more barium. Yummy. :(
Time to sit out in the room and drink my water. I felt nauseous. Not too bad. It passed fairly quickly. I then move on to lightheaded dizziness. I'm kind of used to that now because my blood preesure keeps fluctuating, I keep talking with the other people getting fills all the while absorbing everything they have to say. Water is all gone. Yay! No gurgling. No throwing up. Not feeling the best but not too bad. I think I even like the 'assembly line' of fills since you get to talk with each other while you wait & drink.
Now my concerns. Has anyone ever gotten 3 ccs at once? Is that a nit agressive or is it just me thinking that? My surgeon did say it is better to get it off in the begnning faster because the loss does slow down. Is it normal to feel nauseous after water? I had soft serve ice cream and had no problems with it. (Of course I wouldn't its ice cream). I have a bit of a headache which could be my stress level. It sort of feels like the water is 'sitting' in my stomach but its not swooshing. I actually feel like I did the first two weeks post op.
What's your experience with a fill?
What's your take on the fill size?
Goodnight my dears!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Baby Isabella is out of danger. Thank you for the prayers. She does have a blockage caused from the NEC infection and will be having surgery. Probably in about 3 weeks. She has to recover fully from the NEC infection. I did get to see her today and she looks so much better than she did in Yuma. God is holding her hand.
Just so you know I didnt eat all the food earlier. I did eat all of the egg salad. The insides of the grilled cheese. I brought home all of the olives except the black ones they were yucky. I ate the a few onion rings and all the gravy off the mashed potatoes.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Please pray for God's will. He has a reason for everything He does. I still pray He doesn't take her but that has become a real possibility. God is Great and His reasoning is not to be questioned.
God, I love you and I am sorry I am a bit mad at you right now!
I wish, hope and pray that Baby Isabella pulls through the NEC infection she has. My sister says her belly is so distended that her skin is shiny from being stretched so much. God, you can't have her. Please stop giving her life threatening illnesses. You have added weight to her little body and she now weighs 4 lbs 1 oz, you must want her to live. Please heal her!
I wish for my youngest daughter to come through surgery with no complications. I am also wishing for an easy recovery. God, guide the Surgeon's hands as he operates on both her little eyes. God, guide me so that I may be the mother that my baby needs tomorrow and during recovery.
I am following Mary's Mary's Blog lead here,,, I wish I had clothes that fit too. Since may I have lost 60 pounds and I am still wearing the same clothes. The bottoms look worse than pajama bottoms. It feels good to know I will never be that size again. Yet, I look absolutely horrible. Mama's needs come after the girls needs, after our new home, and after anything else that seems more important.
I wish for my mini van not to be ready today so that I can take the rental Suburban to Phoenix for my daughters surgery tomorrow.
I also wish for all you to find a way through the struggles that are afflicting you all.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do any of you drink while you? Am I damaging myself?
Could you send some advice over?
Am I doing something wrong? Before surgery, I hardly ever burped unless it slipped out and was uncontrollable during a Diet Pepsi. My sister use to laugh at me because I couldn't "force" myself to burp if my life depended on it. Post surgery I was miserable because I couldn't burp. Now I have to make myself burp by pounding on my chest or they just escape.
I don't think this is a PB. I hope its not the beginning of one that gets better after I burp. I definitely feel better once I burp.
Tell me your experience with burps.
Have a great day all!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sorry, you will have to copy and paste.
If anyone wants to donate you go to:
- join a walk
- choose Yuma, Arizona
- sponsor a walker
- enter my name Angela Smith
- then donate.
I will have my girls along with me. They will get to enjoy the nice stroller ride. Smith Girls rock!!!
Here is the link to the brochure: http://www.walkfromobesity.com/2010WalkBrochure.pdf
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I feel lost and alone for the last week. I haven't blogged since last week. I haven't left any comments and I miss you all. Loved seeing all the pics from Chicago. Count me in for year 2. I am also sad for those people whose expectations of themselves or the weekend was not met.
Here is my life for the past week. Long post warning.
- Had our companny BBQ last Saturday we had a great time. Friday was the employee only BBQ which is when the guys as work prepare the pit BBQ for Saturday. I have more fun on Fridays since everyone just let's loose and we have a good time. We even have a homemade craps table. This year I took two girlfriends with me. We all had a blast. :) Saturday everyone is busy with their families. My girls had a blast. They loved the 30 foot slide.
- Tuesday my oldest daughter had surgery out of town. Surgery went well. This was her 2nd surgery this year. Both were minor surgeries and unrelated. Her first surgery was a frenulectomy which was to separate her lip from her gum. My youngest will have the same surgery when she turns 2. That little piece of skin on the top of our gums inside her mouth was attached to the gum between her front teeth. Her second surgery was to open her vagina. Her inner labia was aherred. When I found it a year ago they gave me Premarin cream to try and open it. I tried it various times over the year but it never opened. She has had a couple of bladder infections this year so they felt now was the time to do it. Needless to say I was very stressed going into this surgery. Thank you God for holding her hand through surgery. She is now as perfect as perfect can be.
- Also on Tuesday my youngest daughter had an appointment with her eye specialist. I found out that the time has come for her eye surgery. It is now scheduled for the 7th which is next Thursday. I have known this was coming but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. She is only 19 months old.
- Wednesday the hospital for my youngest daughter's surgery called to preregister her. She told me they were operating on both eyes. She said she would call the Dr to verify. Sure as heck they are going to do both eyes. :( When she told me that I immediately felt the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. I am terrified that they will be operating on her good eye too. She has amblyopia and strabismis. They have to do both eyes to position them properly. Aunt Pat is going to keep my oldest so I can concentrate on my baby. This surgery means # 5 this year for a family of 3. Two for my oldest, two for me (sinus surgery which I was admitted to the hospital for & lap band). To say I am ready for a normal year is an understatement.
- Baby Isabella doesn't need heart surgery. What a blessing. She is still in NICU & will be for at least another month. For a premie she is doing well.
- I found a house to rent. It is a 3 bedroom 2 bath. I am starting to get excited. We will be moving on the 15th. My oldest is getting a fish and going into a toddler bed.
- I have an appointment for my first fill. Which is on Oct 11th. Which is just days away from 8 weeks post op.
- Last Thursday was 6 weeks post op. I started on solids. Baby steps. First time I chewed I felt like I had stuff stuck in my teeth and they kinda felt weird after chewing. Kind of like they were sore.
- Thursday morning I woke up to a vandalized mini van. I have lived here 18 months with no problems and they wait til my last 2 weeks here to cause trouble. Plus side I am in a rental. 2011 Suburban. It had 120 miles when I got in. This has been my dream vehicle forever. I want to steal it. :) I am in love!
- Last night I went to dinner with my sister & Ron. We went to Olive Garden. The waitress was nice enough to let me share the all you can eat pasta with my girls. I ordered the whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce & chicken. My oldest didn't like the wheat pasta. My youngest loved it. I ate all the chicken and tried the pasta. I didn't care for it. I did have some breadsticks. I had less than 1.5 and they went down so easy. Obviously I have no restriction. However, by the time we were home I was miserable. I am sure everything expanded. I was bloated and even comtemplated going to the emergency room. Remind me bread isn't good for me if I do it again.
- Since last night I haven't been able to eat and I haven't been hungry. Breakfast was about 1/2 cup of refried beans. I couldn't eat anymore. I just had some soup. I finally feel hungry and I feel like I could eat a cow. I still feel uncomfortable though.
- Week 6 post op weigh in I only lost .4 of a pound. That is by far the least amount I have lost a week. Even with that weight loss I am still a bit over a 2.5 lb weight loss per week. Thank you band. :)
I think I am done updating for now.
Have a great weekend all!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Today is my Friday. I didn't have an awful week just a normal week, but I am so tired. On my way to pick up the girls from daycare after work all I could think about was stopping at Redbox to get Tinkerbell for the girls to watch and having pizza for dinner. Sounded like the perfect "Friday" night end of the work week type of thing to do until I realized I can't have pizza.
How could this have happened? Today was the first day I haven't thought about my band and automatically reverted back to my old ways. How could I have forgotten I have a band on my stomach? How could I have almost relapsed back to my old life prior to May 18th when I started my diet to lower my BMI? Back then pizza & movies went together and I would have had pizza every night if possible. How could I actually be disappointed I couldn't have pizza? I just want to know how could I???
I can honestly say that the one and only time real food bothered me was a week post-op and I went in a restaurant out of town. I have been able to be in restaurant and not feel I am suffering. People can order anything they want and I can handle seeing them eat it. I am ok with this. I have psychologically been okay with the "loss" of food in my life. I made the decision to give up my old lifestyle. I have no regrets. I just don't know how I could have forgotten I have a band.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My port has been hurting since Sunday. It started all of a sudden. More like an ache. Then a localized pain. Now it even feels swollen. Before I could put my palm on my port & I would just feel the port. Now when I put my palm on my port it feels like my palm is "full" as if the port & muscle are pushing against my palm. I am finding it hurts when I get up and can't straighten myself completey out and am walking kind of hunch backed. It also hurts around the port a little tender around the area. Should I be concerned? Did any of you feel this? Does it go away?
I have been extremely tired lately. I have also been feeling a bit dizzy when walking. I can best describe it as a floating feeling. I have had high blood pressure since I was 16 and weighed 141. They call it the "silent killer" for a reason because you can't tell if its high or low. I am wondering if maybe my blood pressure medication is too strong since I have now lost 57 lbs. I am seeing my primary care physician tomorrow. I am hoping that is all it is and is that simple. I would hate to have him say it may be because of my lap bad and I'm not eating enough.
How much do all of you eat? I can eat a cup of mushies and feel quite full. I checked in with my bariatric nurse and I felt chastised. She told me "Eating more is not the goal, you should be eating no more than 4 ounces It doesn't matter what fits in the pouch, that is a stretchable moving stomach". That was in response to me saying "I am finding I can eat more and more often now. It is much easier to eat too. 8 oz now fits. Is that normal? Or am I over doing it? I do measure." I still feel as if though I got a spanking. :(
I have lost 16 lbs since surgery on Aug 19th. I have heard through the grapevine that if you have lost more than 10 lbs in 6 weeks post op you don't get a fill. I am starting to feel like a failure.
Please share your thoughts.
I wish my port wasn't hurting. I feel like I am even walking hunched over a bit because it hurts to stand tall.
I wish for Isabella to continue to improve.
I wish for Baby Kelsee to be in the arms of her parents.
I wish for my oldest daughter's outpatient surgery next week to go well. It should be fairly minor I am the one freaking out. I may post details about it later.
I wish for us to be able to make it to my youngest daughter's appointment after my other daughter's surgery. Both appointments are out of town in Phoenix.
I wish I wasn't becoming scale obsessed. I gained 6 oz this morning. :(
I wish life weren't so savory right now. :)
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
I was going to say Jesus but he is already in my heart so I think I am good. 3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Sheila 13th or Sylvia 13th. I don't remember which dog was first. However they were both Irish Setters and I wish I could get one for my girls. We could go with my alter ego too... Mistress Stiletto (borrowed from a friend ty-blondie). I love the sound of it and wish I could be her. :)
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
Guys, I love Boxer-briefs. For me, I am a comfort kind of gal. Hi-cut in cotton. :) Once I get thin, that may change.
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
Time alone with peace and quiet because it is so rare. Am I being a selfish mama to even admit that?
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating??
Monday, September 20, 2010
Needless to say, I think you all see what I am trying to motivate myself on... Protein Shakes.
Thank you all for caring. I really appreciate it.
Happy Monday All!
It has been almost 7 weeks since I had protein and I have another 2 to 3 weeks before I can have solids. I have had some mushie refried beans in the last 3 weeks. Some eggs over the weekend. Protein shakes... Hate them. Surgery on Aug 19th, two weeks pre-op. Two weeks post-op liquids and now almost 3 weeks on mushies. Sure, my body is looking better. Is the weight loss actually hair loss?
Yes, I cried when I saw that this morning only because each day has been like this for weeks now. Did any of you go through this? Does it end? Should I start looking at super short bald hairstyles?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Drazil, my phone won't let me post a comment to your post. :( this is for you: Someday I hope to be as grown up as you are and look my fears in the face. I aspire to have your strength & courage to overcome and win!
For all you B.O.O.B.S., next year I am going to BOOBS and I am meeting all of you that have become my source of strength, encouragment, and inspirations. I hope each of you attending this year have a wonderful time. I am so jealous.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Ohhh emmmm geeeeee!
I was so hungry I ate an avocado as I was making mashed potatoes. Somehow my head was telling me I am starving and scooped up the normal serving of mashed potatoes. I ate it all with cheddar cheese and sour cream. :( It was delicious. I felt myself get full and I needed to stop yet I kept on going. Now all I can do is lay on the couch until this uncomfortable feeling passes.
I wish I could say this is the last time. Thank you band for letting me know you are there and working. :)
1. What do you think other people think of you? Do you think they see you the way you really are?
1a. Some think I am not smart. Kinda dingy. Full of love for my girls. They also see me as a non domestic goddess. They see me as having everything under control. Strong individual.
1b. No I don't. I am sorta smart. (I am dingy at times). The love for my girls is obvious. However I do not have everything under control. I internalize too much. I lose sleep when stressing. I am not strong. I am a chicken poop. I am also normally a reactive person that has changed since I have had my girls.
2. Have you thought about what you want your epitaph to read?
Being a mother made her complete/happy. Something along those lines. Haven't given it any thought but being a mother is my greatest accomplishment.
1. Last week we asked your favorite thing about being an adult. This week the question is: I miss living with my parents, going to school, having a part time job where I spent on my money on toys like a kick ass stereo w/woofers in my car.
2. When you make a serious life decision –do you use your head or your heart? I have to say my head. I tend to leave my heart out of everything. However, when it came to my girls it was ALL HEART!
3. In relation to blogs….are you a never commenter, a sometimes commenter, an almost always commenter or a direct emailer kinda person? I. Would have to say I am a sometimes commenter. I wish I could comment on all the blogs I follow. When I am at work I "can't" comment. If I FEEL I NEED to comment I will pick up my cell phone and leave a comment. I do read every single blog I follow. Some touch me deeply & I will definitely leave a comment.
4. If life was a flavor –would it be savory, sweet or sour? Hmmm, all of the above. Mostly sweet. There are some sour spots along with super savory spots.
5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in life or in blogland. I am amazed at how everyone has struggles at all stages of banding. Some have read my mind and posted exactly what I was feeling & going through.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
One of my other most favorite pieces of jewelry is a necklace that says MOM that my sister gave me on the same day. If I find the necklace I will post a pic. Dont tell sister I dont know where it is.
I remembered I cried so much that day. It was the first time I realized my dream was coming true. The girls were never going to be anywhere else but with me. I was to be their Mother.
I have other pieces that are nice & sparkley that mean absolutely nothing to me. These two pieces will always be my favorite and a reminder of my very first Mother's Day. Thank you mom & sister!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
- I wish, hope, and pray that Baby Isabella starts to feel better soon. She isn't doing as well as she was and it is such a sad situation. I wish she would even have the strength to cry. She has now stopped crying. God, you can't have her. Please, don't take her. We want to keep her here with us!
- I wish I wasn't on mushies. I have to do 6 weeks post op. Tomorrow is only week 4. I'm afraid more and more chicken skin incidents are going to happen.
- I wish I wasn't a weak person. I wish I had guts and a strong back bone. I wish I could have talked about what I wanted to talk about last night, but I wasn't ready. Nothing is stewing they are just thoughts that need to be shared.
- I wish the perfect place to move to would magically appear and that I could afford it. I know I will be moving and I want a 3 bedroom, 2 bath for the girls and I. I have already promised my oldest a fish when we get our new home. theShe also wants her "own special bathroom". I think it will be easier if they have their bathroom and I have mine.
- I wish I wouldn't have gambled in Vegas. I did have a ton of fun. Okay, I wish I would have kept all the winnings in my pocket.
- These are my standard wishes. To raise my children to be happy and strong individuals. Be a better parent. To become a domestic goddess. To continue to be as happy as I am. :)
Have a happy Wednesday everyone!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The answer is YES! I DID DO IT.
I am embarassed to even admit it. However this blog is about my life with the lap band and this is a doozy of an I did it! I ran to the hospital after work to see baby Isabella. We didn't get to go in right away they were working on changing her lines and they needed a sterile environment. Anyways, after the visit I am on my way to pick up my girls and my mind immediately turns to what am I going to feed them for dinner. Its already an hour later and they should be eating about that time. There is a Church's Chicken on the way there. I stop and order the 11 piece leg & thigh special. I am thinking I can feed my girls and give all the legs to my dad and he will be happy & fed too.
We stop at my parents house & visit for a few minutes. As my dad is taking the legs out I see a crunchy piece and decide to put it in my mouth and suck out all the flavor then spit it out. I am still on mushies so I know I can't swallow it. Oh my goodness was the flavor absolutely delicious. I had no problem spitting it out after I was satisfied. Its only been 5 weeks since I had anything so tastey. 2 weeks pre-op liquid diet and now post-op diet has been pretty bland. The girls and I say good bye and head home. My oldest wants her chickens, (yes, plural) now! I can't blame her. Its smells so good and it tasted delicious.
We are now home and I have to debone the chicken so the girls can eat it. I take the skin off for them too. Well without thinking a piece of fried chicken skin made it into my mouth. This time unconsciously. Next thing I know I swallowed some. OH MY GOODNESS WHAT DID I JUST DO? I can't even finish that thought because all of a sudden there is a huge pain in my chest along the breast bone. I spit out what is left in my mouth and start praying. Oh my, I just know I am going to die. It really hurts. I keep deboneing the chicken my girls need to eat dinner. I can die after dinner. I start to feel better and I am calmer now so I can think a bit more clearly.
This is my clear thought: "I survived that. Why don't I just suck all of the rest of the fat off of the chicken skin". YES, I DID! I chewed up all of the chicken skin to make sure I got all of the flavor out then spit it out. Yup, I sure did. I was possessed I am telling you. I don't know who or what possessed me but something sure as heck did. Fried chicken is not my weakness pizza and Mexican food are. I might have eaten fried chicken max of 3 times a year on average over my lifetime. Honestly, not my thing. If you happen to come across whatever possessed me please, don't send it back. I hope it doesn't try and have a visit with you either. :)
Do I feel ashamed? Yes, I do.
Do I regret it? Now I do as I burp it up and feel totally uncomfortable.
What was I thinking while I was doing it??? This is better than sex!