Depression

Long post warning.

Two weeks in a row now Draz has blogged about my feelings.  1st was the dieting and children.  Now its about depression.

I know she can't be inside my head, I haven't met her.  Do I feel a connection to her, absolutely.  I think we all do.  How does she know what I am going through? Well, she doesn't know what I am going through.  This is just life and we all go through it.  Some of us will blog about and it will help to a certain degree.  Some of us will hide from it and hope it isn't here. 

I am going to blog and hope it helps me.  I am also going to blog about it in hopes that those that are around me will understand why I have withdrawn. 

Here is the history. 

I have been on antidepressants since 1996.  My husband and his mother had an intervention with me.  I remember talking to the gal on the Medical line (I had Kaiser Ins at the time and everything was handled though one number at the time) and I remember her telling me I was in some kind of state I told her I wasn't.  I was diagnosed as clinically depressed.  Now it is time to give you an update of my life at the time and what "caused" my depression.  I had just gotten married, my in-laws moved in with us.  My husband was mentally and physically abusive.  I spent two weeks in a woman's shelter and I went back.  Then the intervention happened.  Of course I was depressed.  What else would you call it? 

When I moved from Cali back to Arizona I was laid of from my job making 52k a year.  I worked in Aerospace.  I was Human Resources and Payroll.  I oversaw Accounts Payable. I loved my job.  I loved Cali.  I loved my life to an extent.  I came home to AZ to "vacation".  It was the first time I could spend any length of time in AZ with my family.  I had 6 weeks of severance pay to get my life in order.  I applied for one job and got it.  I was hired in Yuma making almost $12.00 an hour.  Let me tell you, that is actually really good pay here in town.  I remember driving to work and seeing the big power poles on the side of the road and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all.  My parents would be taken care of, I had a huge life insurance policy on me at the time out of fear of what my husband would do when I left him.  Suicide was a covered death.  I checked.  It wasn't just the low paying job it was everything.  When you are depressed there isn't and exact reason as to why you are depressed.  YOU JUST ARE.  At least that is how it was for me. 

I had planned my date as to when I was going to drive into the power pole.  I will tell you that to this date I do not take Ave C to work on a regular basis.  The thought of what could have been is still to vivid and its about 7 years later. 

Here comes the epiphany.

I had a dream.  I was walking on water.  I soon figured out I should be and couldn't actually be walking on water and started to sink and drown.  I heard a big loud booming voice that said "If you believe in Me, you will be okay".  I was seeing the Dr again.  Yes, he knew about the power poles.  We were trying to adjust my meds to find me some comfort and peace.  I told him about my dream and he said, "You just had an epiphany, what are you going to do about it"?  My Dr ended up adding an additional antidepressant to the mix.  Momma Henri comes into my life and introduces to a bible study.  Some of you may remember there was a lot of talk and such about A Purpose Driven Life by Phil Warren.  Yes, I was part of that big bible study the country did together.  I LOVED IT!!!  God helped me in so many ways.  I was saved on Palm Sunday that year.  I was born and raised Catholic and I chose to become a Christian.  I am so proud to be a Christian too.  I know God is there for me always.  Even when I am depressed. 

Present day.

I have had so much going on in my life.  I am not sure how much more I can handle.  I can't find my anti-depressants and have been out for about a week.  I am actually not really sure I can afford the $60 copay right now to refill them.  Actually, I know I can't.  I don't have $60 to spare on myself at this moment.  There are other priorities.  I know I have some somewhere.  In the mess of moving they are missing.  I have always said I don't ever want to know what I am like without my meds.  I am now finding out.  I don't like it.  I feel awful.  I am at wits end.  I want to cry.  I want to sleep.  I want to be strong for my girls.  This hurts to admit, but they are seeing a change in me.  I am not as "easy" on them as I normally am.  I am quick to anger.  I am very unhappy.  I hate the way I feel.  I love my life.  I love my girls.  I love our new house. 

I haven't looked up the side affects of stopping your antidepressants do to you.  I could tell you what I think they do.  I don't like the feeling at all. 

I do think part of my dizziness and tiredness is from being depressed.  I wish I could have caught on to that when I saw my Primary Care Physician last month.  I am sure part of that is my blood pressure and my blood pressure meds from losing weight.  However, I now the truth of the matter is depression.  When I was told I was clinically depressed I was told I would probably be on meds the rest of my life.  I am okay with it.  I don't feel a stigma from it.  It is what makes me me.  However, this new bout of depression is different.  Its harder to handle.  Its harder to hide.  Its harder on me.  I don't want my girls to see or know what I feel.  My oldest has only seen me cry once and that is because Kaylee fell out of my arms at about 2 months old.  I had to have everyone over to make sure she was okay.  Also because I had to take her to the emergency room.  Before someone thinks I am a child abuser I will explain myself on this.  I did say she fell out of my arms.  I didn't drop her.  She was a hard baby to handle.  Didn't like to be held, fussed a lot.  Wouldn't sleep more than an hour or two max at a time.  I always say if she would have been first there would not have been two.  Kaylee is autistic.  Hopefully you can understand and relate to the type of baby she was.  Needless to say she fell out of my arms and landed in the laundry basket.  She didn't get hurt and I didn't take her to the ER.  She was fine.  I was scared, terrified actually.  Both girls were wards of the state at that time and the adoption wasn't final. I refuse to let my girls see me cry.  I feel like I am slowly dying inside.  I look at my girls and I know the world will be okay someday again. I will survive. 

I have withdrawn from those that matter.  I don't text as much as before.  I don't like to use the phone so communication has been reduced on all ends.  I don't look anyone in the eyes.  I don't plan something to do.  I just do what is necessary. I survive. 

Tomorrow.

I will attempt to not overeat.
I will attempt to keep communication going.
I will try not to withdraw any further.  I know that is not possible and I may lose people currently in my life. 
I will do this for myself and my girls.

Someday.

I will land on my feet.  I am like a cat after all.
I hope it is tomorrow. I know it may not be.
I will be me. 
I will be happy.
I will be excited to greet the day.

As for now.

I have my girls,
I have God.
I have myself.

Treatment plan: 

FIND MY EFFING MEDS AND SEE IF THEY HELP.  If not, I will call my Dr. and tell him I am out of control.  I guess I will do my own intervention.  :)