I am down to my lowest weight since surgery. I have lost the weight that I gained during my stressful time. I am finally at the lowest I have been in many years. It feels great. I am only there by 4 ounces, but I will take it!!!
I am still unsure, but I think the difference was that I reduced my calories.
For years, since 1998 to be exact, I have counted carbs. I started Lindora Medical Diet which is Dr supervised in 1998 for the very first time. I learned to count carbs. 60 to 70 grams of carbs a day. I stayed with the leaner proteins. I wouldn't eat a pound of bacon a day etc. It worked. I would use it off and on to lose weight. While I was with Lindora, it worked wonderfully.
I applied all I knew about how to lose weight pre-op while lowering my bmi and post op. I knew I wasn't eating as good as I should but I still counted my carbs. This last week I decided to switch to counting calories. What do you know??? I lost weight.
I have always heard and known that calories in and out were what mattered. I guess I have to say it worked for me this week too.
I am going to give it another week watching my calories and see what happens. If it works I am going to stick with it.
What is your opinion on carbs vs calories?
Have a great day all!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
200 Calorie Lunch
I have been having them with Light Laughing Cow Cheese in Garlice Herb. I'm in love.
For lunch today I decided to use the and make a sandwhich. I toasted the bagel set it aside. Heated up in the microwave 3 slices of ham & 3 slices of chicken I used Oscar Meyer Rotisserie Chicken & O.M. Honey Ham (6 slices is 50 Calories) with 1 slice of swiss cheese. Total of 220 calories of pure delicousness.
Only drawback it was so good my head says have another. My band is saying dont you dare!
Maybe I will have one for my 3rd meal of the workday.
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Life update
Weight loss has stayed the same. I am still up the same pounds I have put on over the last week. I think this Thursday weigh in will reflect a loss. At least I sure hope it does. If not, I will go on the plateau diet I used when I would do Lindora. Either that or it is time to "diet".
I haven't talked about Ron lately. He is still the great guy that he has always been. He is actually more amazing than I am giving him credit here. He is also a handy man. Thank you Babe for doing all the odds and ends at the new house. I am so happy I have cold water in my washing machine. :)
Depression is doing better. I still feel on the verge of teetering over the edge. I have been on my medication for a few days. I think another week or so and I should be adjusted a bit better. I was off of them for almost two weeks. I hope I never go through that again. Walking that edge was and IS miserable.
As for the new house, well, the third bedroom has become a storage room. My girls are wearing the same they wore last week. At least they are clean. =) Everything is in that bedroom and the door is closed. I did have the kitchen set up how I wanted it until my fridge was delivered and I went to my old apartment to grab the food and the remainder of the kitchen stuff. Yikes, all that progress and it looks horrible now and so much room I need to find for the other stuff. However, I LOVE my house. The girls are happy there too. Kaylee is waking up more each night and I wonder if she is still adjusting. I gave Leeah a toddler bed when we moved in. She loves it.
My oldest daughter turned 3 a few weeks ago. I still haven't had her birthday party. I am hoping to have it this weekend for her. She doesn't think she has had a birthday yet. She says "its my birthday next". Even if it is just the family I think she needs to have her cupcakes she has wanted.
Baby Isabella will be having surgery for her intestinal blockage on Thursday the 28th. God has everything under control. Once Baby Isabella is recovered from surgery she should be able to be discharged from the hospital and come home from Phoenix.
Baby Kelsee is still in foster care. My brother and his wife are making progress on getting her back. I hope they continue to do so. She needs to come home soon.
Overall, life is looking brighter.
Have a great day!
I haven't talked about Ron lately. He is still the great guy that he has always been. He is actually more amazing than I am giving him credit here. He is also a handy man. Thank you Babe for doing all the odds and ends at the new house. I am so happy I have cold water in my washing machine. :)
Depression is doing better. I still feel on the verge of teetering over the edge. I have been on my medication for a few days. I think another week or so and I should be adjusted a bit better. I was off of them for almost two weeks. I hope I never go through that again. Walking that edge was and IS miserable.
As for the new house, well, the third bedroom has become a storage room. My girls are wearing the same they wore last week. At least they are clean. =) Everything is in that bedroom and the door is closed. I did have the kitchen set up how I wanted it until my fridge was delivered and I went to my old apartment to grab the food and the remainder of the kitchen stuff. Yikes, all that progress and it looks horrible now and so much room I need to find for the other stuff. However, I LOVE my house. The girls are happy there too. Kaylee is waking up more each night and I wonder if she is still adjusting. I gave Leeah a toddler bed when we moved in. She loves it.
My oldest daughter turned 3 a few weeks ago. I still haven't had her birthday party. I am hoping to have it this weekend for her. She doesn't think she has had a birthday yet. She says "its my birthday next". Even if it is just the family I think she needs to have her cupcakes she has wanted.
Baby Isabella will be having surgery for her intestinal blockage on Thursday the 28th. God has everything under control. Once Baby Isabella is recovered from surgery she should be able to be discharged from the hospital and come home from Phoenix.
Baby Kelsee is still in foster care. My brother and his wife are making progress on getting her back. I hope they continue to do so. She needs to come home soon.
Overall, life is looking brighter.
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Contact Info, Meds, and a quote. The day seems brighter today. :)
Hi there,
I hope you are all are having a great day.
Look me up on facebook under my name: Angela Yvonne Smith
Twitter I can be found under: MizzAngyl
Emial is: smith2girls@gmail.com
On a brighter side: I FOUND MY MEDS! I took one last night. Mind over matter, I already feel better. The world is looking up. I will let you know in about 2 weeks how I am doing.
I found this quote today and I thought I would share:
Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them!
I hope you are all are having a great day.
Look me up on facebook under my name: Angela Yvonne Smith
Twitter I can be found under: MizzAngyl
Emial is: smith2girls@gmail.com
On a brighter side: I FOUND MY MEDS! I took one last night. Mind over matter, I already feel better. The world is looking up. I will let you know in about 2 weeks how I am doing.
I found this quote today and I thought I would share:
Happiness is not the absence of problems, or heartache, but the ability to deal with them!
Simple Math
1 + 1 = 2
Overeating + bad food choices = 4 lb gain since Sept 30th.
I own it. IT IS MINE!
Overeating + bad food choices = 4 lb gain since Sept 30th.
I own it. IT IS MINE!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Depression
Long post warning.
Two weeks in a row now Draz has blogged about my feelings. 1st was the dieting and children. Now its about depression.
I know she can't be inside my head, I haven't met her. Do I feel a connection to her, absolutely. I think we all do. How does she know what I am going through? Well, she doesn't know what I am going through. This is just life and we all go through it. Some of us will blog about and it will help to a certain degree. Some of us will hide from it and hope it isn't here.
I am going to blog and hope it helps me. I am also going to blog about it in hopes that those that are around me will understand why I have withdrawn.
Here is the history.
I have been on antidepressants since 1996. My husband and his mother had an intervention with me. I remember talking to the gal on the Medical line (I had Kaiser Ins at the time and everything was handled though one number at the time) and I remember her telling me I was in some kind of state I told her I wasn't. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Now it is time to give you an update of my life at the time and what "caused" my depression. I had just gotten married, my in-laws moved in with us. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. I spent two weeks in a woman's shelter and I went back. Then the intervention happened. Of course I was depressed. What else would you call it?
When I moved from Cali back to Arizona I was laid of from my job making 52k a year. I worked in Aerospace. I was Human Resources and Payroll. I oversaw Accounts Payable. I loved my job. I loved Cali. I loved my life to an extent. I came home to AZ to "vacation". It was the first time I could spend any length of time in AZ with my family. I had 6 weeks of severance pay to get my life in order. I applied for one job and got it. I was hired in Yuma making almost $12.00 an hour. Let me tell you, that is actually really good pay here in town. I remember driving to work and seeing the big power poles on the side of the road and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. My parents would be taken care of, I had a huge life insurance policy on me at the time out of fear of what my husband would do when I left him. Suicide was a covered death. I checked. It wasn't just the low paying job it was everything. When you are depressed there isn't and exact reason as to why you are depressed. YOU JUST ARE. At least that is how it was for me.
I had planned my date as to when I was going to drive into the power pole. I will tell you that to this date I do not take Ave C to work on a regular basis. The thought of what could have been is still to vivid and its about 7 years later.
Here comes the epiphany.
I had a dream. I was walking on water. I soon figured out I should be and couldn't actually be walking on water and started to sink and drown. I heard a big loud booming voice that said "If you believe in Me, you will be okay". I was seeing the Dr again. Yes, he knew about the power poles. We were trying to adjust my meds to find me some comfort and peace. I told him about my dream and he said, "You just had an epiphany, what are you going to do about it"? My Dr ended up adding an additional antidepressant to the mix. Momma Henri comes into my life and introduces to a bible study. Some of you may remember there was a lot of talk and such about A Purpose Driven Life by Phil Warren. Yes, I was part of that big bible study the country did together. I LOVED IT!!! God helped me in so many ways. I was saved on Palm Sunday that year. I was born and raised Catholic and I chose to become a Christian. I am so proud to be a Christian too. I know God is there for me always. Even when I am depressed.
Present day.
I have had so much going on in my life. I am not sure how much more I can handle. I can't find my anti-depressants and have been out for about a week. I am actually not really sure I can afford the $60 copay right now to refill them. Actually, I know I can't. I don't have $60 to spare on myself at this moment. There are other priorities. I know I have some somewhere. In the mess of moving they are missing. I have always said I don't ever want to know what I am like without my meds. I am now finding out. I don't like it. I feel awful. I am at wits end. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to be strong for my girls. This hurts to admit, but they are seeing a change in me. I am not as "easy" on them as I normally am. I am quick to anger. I am very unhappy. I hate the way I feel. I love my life. I love my girls. I love our new house.
I haven't looked up the side affects of stopping your antidepressants do to you. I could tell you what I think they do. I don't like the feeling at all.
I do think part of my dizziness and tiredness is from being depressed. I wish I could have caught on to that when I saw my Primary Care Physician last month. I am sure part of that is my blood pressure and my blood pressure meds from losing weight. However, I now the truth of the matter is depression. When I was told I was clinically depressed I was told I would probably be on meds the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I don't feel a stigma from it. It is what makes me me. However, this new bout of depression is different. Its harder to handle. Its harder to hide. Its harder on me. I don't want my girls to see or know what I feel. My oldest has only seen me cry once and that is because Kaylee fell out of my arms at about 2 months old. I had to have everyone over to make sure she was okay. Also because I had to take her to the emergency room. Before someone thinks I am a child abuser I will explain myself on this. I did say she fell out of my arms. I didn't drop her. She was a hard baby to handle. Didn't like to be held, fussed a lot. Wouldn't sleep more than an hour or two max at a time. I always say if she would have been first there would not have been two. Kaylee is autistic. Hopefully you can understand and relate to the type of baby she was. Needless to say she fell out of my arms and landed in the laundry basket. She didn't get hurt and I didn't take her to the ER. She was fine. I was scared, terrified actually. Both girls were wards of the state at that time and the adoption wasn't final. I refuse to let my girls see me cry. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I look at my girls and I know the world will be okay someday again. I will survive.
I have withdrawn from those that matter. I don't text as much as before. I don't like to use the phone so communication has been reduced on all ends. I don't look anyone in the eyes. I don't plan something to do. I just do what is necessary. I survive.
Tomorrow.
I will attempt to not overeat.
I will attempt to keep communication going.
I will try not to withdraw any further. I know that is not possible and I may lose people currently in my life.
I will do this for myself and my girls.
Someday.
I will land on my feet. I am like a cat after all.
I hope it is tomorrow. I know it may not be.
I will be me.
I will be happy.
I will be excited to greet the day.
As for now.
I have my girls,
I have God.
I have myself.
Treatment plan:
FIND MY EFFING MEDS AND SEE IF THEY HELP. If not, I will call my Dr. and tell him I am out of control. I guess I will do my own intervention. :)
Two weeks in a row now Draz has blogged about my feelings. 1st was the dieting and children. Now its about depression.
I know she can't be inside my head, I haven't met her. Do I feel a connection to her, absolutely. I think we all do. How does she know what I am going through? Well, she doesn't know what I am going through. This is just life and we all go through it. Some of us will blog about and it will help to a certain degree. Some of us will hide from it and hope it isn't here.
I am going to blog and hope it helps me. I am also going to blog about it in hopes that those that are around me will understand why I have withdrawn.
Here is the history.
I have been on antidepressants since 1996. My husband and his mother had an intervention with me. I remember talking to the gal on the Medical line (I had Kaiser Ins at the time and everything was handled though one number at the time) and I remember her telling me I was in some kind of state I told her I wasn't. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Now it is time to give you an update of my life at the time and what "caused" my depression. I had just gotten married, my in-laws moved in with us. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. I spent two weeks in a woman's shelter and I went back. Then the intervention happened. Of course I was depressed. What else would you call it?
When I moved from Cali back to Arizona I was laid of from my job making 52k a year. I worked in Aerospace. I was Human Resources and Payroll. I oversaw Accounts Payable. I loved my job. I loved Cali. I loved my life to an extent. I came home to AZ to "vacation". It was the first time I could spend any length of time in AZ with my family. I had 6 weeks of severance pay to get my life in order. I applied for one job and got it. I was hired in Yuma making almost $12.00 an hour. Let me tell you, that is actually really good pay here in town. I remember driving to work and seeing the big power poles on the side of the road and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. My parents would be taken care of, I had a huge life insurance policy on me at the time out of fear of what my husband would do when I left him. Suicide was a covered death. I checked. It wasn't just the low paying job it was everything. When you are depressed there isn't and exact reason as to why you are depressed. YOU JUST ARE. At least that is how it was for me.
I had planned my date as to when I was going to drive into the power pole. I will tell you that to this date I do not take Ave C to work on a regular basis. The thought of what could have been is still to vivid and its about 7 years later.
Here comes the epiphany.
I had a dream. I was walking on water. I soon figured out I should be and couldn't actually be walking on water and started to sink and drown. I heard a big loud booming voice that said "If you believe in Me, you will be okay". I was seeing the Dr again. Yes, he knew about the power poles. We were trying to adjust my meds to find me some comfort and peace. I told him about my dream and he said, "You just had an epiphany, what are you going to do about it"? My Dr ended up adding an additional antidepressant to the mix. Momma Henri comes into my life and introduces to a bible study. Some of you may remember there was a lot of talk and such about A Purpose Driven Life by Phil Warren. Yes, I was part of that big bible study the country did together. I LOVED IT!!! God helped me in so many ways. I was saved on Palm Sunday that year. I was born and raised Catholic and I chose to become a Christian. I am so proud to be a Christian too. I know God is there for me always. Even when I am depressed.
Present day.
I have had so much going on in my life. I am not sure how much more I can handle. I can't find my anti-depressants and have been out for about a week. I am actually not really sure I can afford the $60 copay right now to refill them. Actually, I know I can't. I don't have $60 to spare on myself at this moment. There are other priorities. I know I have some somewhere. In the mess of moving they are missing. I have always said I don't ever want to know what I am like without my meds. I am now finding out. I don't like it. I feel awful. I am at wits end. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to be strong for my girls. This hurts to admit, but they are seeing a change in me. I am not as "easy" on them as I normally am. I am quick to anger. I am very unhappy. I hate the way I feel. I love my life. I love my girls. I love our new house.
I haven't looked up the side affects of stopping your antidepressants do to you. I could tell you what I think they do. I don't like the feeling at all.
I do think part of my dizziness and tiredness is from being depressed. I wish I could have caught on to that when I saw my Primary Care Physician last month. I am sure part of that is my blood pressure and my blood pressure meds from losing weight. However, I now the truth of the matter is depression. When I was told I was clinically depressed I was told I would probably be on meds the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I don't feel a stigma from it. It is what makes me me. However, this new bout of depression is different. Its harder to handle. Its harder to hide. Its harder on me. I don't want my girls to see or know what I feel. My oldest has only seen me cry once and that is because Kaylee fell out of my arms at about 2 months old. I had to have everyone over to make sure she was okay. Also because I had to take her to the emergency room. Before someone thinks I am a child abuser I will explain myself on this. I did say she fell out of my arms. I didn't drop her. She was a hard baby to handle. Didn't like to be held, fussed a lot. Wouldn't sleep more than an hour or two max at a time. I always say if she would have been first there would not have been two. Kaylee is autistic. Hopefully you can understand and relate to the type of baby she was. Needless to say she fell out of my arms and landed in the laundry basket. She didn't get hurt and I didn't take her to the ER. She was fine. I was scared, terrified actually. Both girls were wards of the state at that time and the adoption wasn't final. I refuse to let my girls see me cry. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I look at my girls and I know the world will be okay someday again. I will survive.
I have withdrawn from those that matter. I don't text as much as before. I don't like to use the phone so communication has been reduced on all ends. I don't look anyone in the eyes. I don't plan something to do. I just do what is necessary. I survive.
Tomorrow.
I will attempt to not overeat.
I will attempt to keep communication going.
I will try not to withdraw any further. I know that is not possible and I may lose people currently in my life.
I will do this for myself and my girls.
Someday.
I will land on my feet. I am like a cat after all.
I hope it is tomorrow. I know it may not be.
I will be me.
I will be happy.
I will be excited to greet the day.
As for now.
I have my girls,
I have God.
I have myself.
Treatment plan:
FIND MY EFFING MEDS AND SEE IF THEY HELP. If not, I will call my Dr. and tell him I am out of control. I guess I will do my own intervention. :)
Wednesday at work
This morning when I got to work one of the farmers sent up cantelopes. I cut one up for breakfast Oh my goodness it was so juicy and sweet.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Two for Tuesday... Outrageous eating post and weight gain.
I had a fill on Oct 11th. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. I didn't get it. :(
I have had my share of stress and yesterday I noticed that I am over eating. The week before I had gained a few pounds. I was out of town for my oldest daughter's surgery. Today, I got on the scale and I gained a few more. Thursday is my weigh in day, but I wanted to know the damage. It isn't pretty. I am up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. On Thursday I will post a more accurate number since I have not had any of my diuretics since last Thursday. Yes, I take them daily, they are part of my high blood pressure medication. I moved on Friday and was just too busy to take them since frequent bathroom trips are called for.
Friday, Ron picked up pizza for us. I did very well. I had the toppings off of 4 slices. Not too shabby. Especially since it was Little Cesars pizza. There isn't much topping on there to begin with.
Saturday I can't remember what we had for dinner. Sunday was the whopper. My SIL dropped off a Large Blimpie Sandwich. The girls were napping so I tore into half of it. Ate a bit of the bread, and all of the meat. WOW! I just ate half a footlong. Continued on with my day. Ron picked up Little Cesars pizza again for dinner plus a cheesy bread thingy. I had two whole slices (I believe) and three slices of the cheesy bread and that is after I went and had the third piece of cheesy bread. It all went down easy, I didn't get stuck, I didn't chew well, it was gobbled and inhaled. I literally ate without thinking. I was my old self. Granted, I did eat much less than I would have normally. I used to be able to EAT pizza like a champ.
Monday, I had the meat out of the Blimpie Sandwich before work. It held me over til lunch time when I went to get lunch. I ordered a Spinach tuna wrap on a bed of salad and a side of chicken salad for later. I hate half of my wrap ate the two pieces of tomatoes and two pieces of cucumber off of my salad. For my afternoon meal/snack I had the other half of the wrap. Let me explain that I work ten hour days and I eat an average of 3 times while at work. I don't or shall I say I have not over eaten at work because I plan my meals. Not saying it isn't possible but it hasn't happened. My 3 meals a day at work have allowed me to lose weight. I do go home and have some sort of dinner. Usually a soup because I feed myself something other than what I feed the girls.
Sooo, Monday after work I had to go and pick up some milk. My girls are both on bottles. Yes, my 3 year old too. Only she has one when she goes to sleep. Yes, its bad for their teeth. So far so good. I do plan on breaking her of that and she is aware of it. I have told her for months when she turns 3 she will not have a baba anymore. She once told me she didn't want to be 3 anymore. lol However, until we are moved and settled I will not do this to her. My 1 year old will also go off of the pacifier when this happens. She only gets her pacifier when it is time to go to sleep. Back to the milk, I went to a different store than normal and happened to head down the chip aisle on my way to find the milk. OH BOY! the chips landed in my cart so fast. I don't know how that happened. Once in the car I opened up the chips. They were my all time favorites. Lays Kettle BBQ... yummy. I picked up the girls, loaded up stuff from the apt, took it to the house, stopped by my parents to wish my mom happy birthday. Ran through Weinershnitzel to get my girls some corndogs. Fast and easy. NOT HEALTHY! But easy. By the time we got home the chips were gone. This was within a couple of hours. ABSOLUTELY gone and in my belly. Since it was an 8 ounce bag of chips does that mean I only had a "cup" of food? I was shocked that they were gone. They went down easy. No problems what so ever.
After I got the girls to bed and I crawled into bed myself I realized I had also eaten about one whole corn dog too. I was appalled that I had done this. NO LESSONS LEARNED in the last 5 months. Then I realized, my worries weren't as big as they have been before bedtime. I had reverted back to my old ways and had eaten to feel better. I fell asleep telling myself that tomorrow (today) would be a new day.
This morning I ordered the insides of a breakfast burrito times two. Yes, I ordered two plates. I ordered egg, bacon, ham, and cheese. I ordered two plates. I ate about half for breakfast. The other half about 2.5 hours later. Now I am eating lunch. Panda express 3 entree meal I am sharing with a co-worker. Today is a better day. I am stuffed and I continued to eat a bit more. Until that one more bite would be too much. NOW I feel happy. Have I failed completely? I don't think so. Did I do what I set out to do today? NOPE!
Here is to hoping for a better rest of the day.
Dilemmas
:
I have no restriction.
I have not learned how to overcome feeling better with food.
I am worried I am going to fail at the band.
I DO EAT LESS THAN BEFORE. A whole lot less. I don't know if that "less" is going to be sufficient for weight loss.
I still depend on food to make me feel better. This may never end.
Goal:
Hoping the rest of my day is better.
One meal at a time.
I have had my share of stress and yesterday I noticed that I am over eating. The week before I had gained a few pounds. I was out of town for my oldest daughter's surgery. Today, I got on the scale and I gained a few more. Thursday is my weigh in day, but I wanted to know the damage. It isn't pretty. I am up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. On Thursday I will post a more accurate number since I have not had any of my diuretics since last Thursday. Yes, I take them daily, they are part of my high blood pressure medication. I moved on Friday and was just too busy to take them since frequent bathroom trips are called for.
Friday, Ron picked up pizza for us. I did very well. I had the toppings off of 4 slices. Not too shabby. Especially since it was Little Cesars pizza. There isn't much topping on there to begin with.
Saturday I can't remember what we had for dinner. Sunday was the whopper. My SIL dropped off a Large Blimpie Sandwich. The girls were napping so I tore into half of it. Ate a bit of the bread, and all of the meat. WOW! I just ate half a footlong. Continued on with my day. Ron picked up Little Cesars pizza again for dinner plus a cheesy bread thingy. I had two whole slices (I believe) and three slices of the cheesy bread and that is after I went and had the third piece of cheesy bread. It all went down easy, I didn't get stuck, I didn't chew well, it was gobbled and inhaled. I literally ate without thinking. I was my old self. Granted, I did eat much less than I would have normally. I used to be able to EAT pizza like a champ.
Monday, I had the meat out of the Blimpie Sandwich before work. It held me over til lunch time when I went to get lunch. I ordered a Spinach tuna wrap on a bed of salad and a side of chicken salad for later. I hate half of my wrap ate the two pieces of tomatoes and two pieces of cucumber off of my salad. For my afternoon meal/snack I had the other half of the wrap. Let me explain that I work ten hour days and I eat an average of 3 times while at work. I don't or shall I say I have not over eaten at work because I plan my meals. Not saying it isn't possible but it hasn't happened. My 3 meals a day at work have allowed me to lose weight. I do go home and have some sort of dinner. Usually a soup because I feed myself something other than what I feed the girls.
Sooo, Monday after work I had to go and pick up some milk. My girls are both on bottles. Yes, my 3 year old too. Only she has one when she goes to sleep. Yes, its bad for their teeth. So far so good. I do plan on breaking her of that and she is aware of it. I have told her for months when she turns 3 she will not have a baba anymore. She once told me she didn't want to be 3 anymore. lol However, until we are moved and settled I will not do this to her. My 1 year old will also go off of the pacifier when this happens. She only gets her pacifier when it is time to go to sleep. Back to the milk, I went to a different store than normal and happened to head down the chip aisle on my way to find the milk. OH BOY! the chips landed in my cart so fast. I don't know how that happened. Once in the car I opened up the chips. They were my all time favorites. Lays Kettle BBQ... yummy. I picked up the girls, loaded up stuff from the apt, took it to the house, stopped by my parents to wish my mom happy birthday. Ran through Weinershnitzel to get my girls some corndogs. Fast and easy. NOT HEALTHY! But easy. By the time we got home the chips were gone. This was within a couple of hours. ABSOLUTELY gone and in my belly. Since it was an 8 ounce bag of chips does that mean I only had a "cup" of food? I was shocked that they were gone. They went down easy. No problems what so ever.
After I got the girls to bed and I crawled into bed myself I realized I had also eaten about one whole corn dog too. I was appalled that I had done this. NO LESSONS LEARNED in the last 5 months. Then I realized, my worries weren't as big as they have been before bedtime. I had reverted back to my old ways and had eaten to feel better. I fell asleep telling myself that tomorrow (today) would be a new day.
This morning I ordered the insides of a breakfast burrito times two. Yes, I ordered two plates. I ordered egg, bacon, ham, and cheese. I ordered two plates. I ate about half for breakfast. The other half about 2.5 hours later. Now I am eating lunch. Panda express 3 entree meal I am sharing with a co-worker. Today is a better day. I am stuffed and I continued to eat a bit more. Until that one more bite would be too much. NOW I feel happy. Have I failed completely? I don't think so. Did I do what I set out to do today? NOPE!
Here is to hoping for a better rest of the day.
Dilemmas
:
I have no restriction.
I have not learned how to overcome feeling better with food.
I am worried I am going to fail at the band.
I DO EAT LESS THAN BEFORE. A whole lot less. I don't know if that "less" is going to be sufficient for weight loss.
I still depend on food to make me feel better. This may never end.
Goal:
Hoping the rest of my day is better.
One meal at a time.
Tuesday mumbo jumbo
So many thoughts running through my head. So many emotions I am battling. So many times my eating has been out of control.
I promise once I am completely moved and settled in our new house that I will try to blog more often.
Needless to say the last few weeks have been heck. Both of my daughters had surgery 9 days apart. My mini van was vandalized in between. Baby Isabella was air ambulanced to another city. The move from the apt to a house. My van having the same mechanical problem it had a year ago when it was under factory warranty. I have only had my van 3 nights before I took it back to Chevy to get it fixed for the same problem only its worse now. I have been in a rental since Oct 1st. My finances are literally killing me, I could go on and on. However, all of that has contributed to self medicating with food. I just realized this last night. I will touch more on it in another post.
I am glad I am not anonymous in my blog. There was a time when I wish I would have been. I have realized this blog is literally about becoming a better me. That includes my life's obstacles too. Everything affects me and makes me who I am. I am blessed to have the life that I have and the obstacles to learn from. This is my life, the good bad and the ugly. I will put it out there.
I read Shrinking Kenz today and it upset me. Blogging is for me, myself, and I. I am sure there are others that feel this way. Why would "Maureen" think she is an expert and criticize someone?
This post is literally mumbo jumbo. That is how I feel right now. I don't know which end is up, I am not even sure I want to know either.
This is my "poor me" post. I am going to rise above it as I always have. I am like a cat, I WILL always land on my feet. They might be singed or bruised but I will land on my feet.
I promise once I am completely moved and settled in our new house that I will try to blog more often.
Needless to say the last few weeks have been heck. Both of my daughters had surgery 9 days apart. My mini van was vandalized in between. Baby Isabella was air ambulanced to another city. The move from the apt to a house. My van having the same mechanical problem it had a year ago when it was under factory warranty. I have only had my van 3 nights before I took it back to Chevy to get it fixed for the same problem only its worse now. I have been in a rental since Oct 1st. My finances are literally killing me, I could go on and on. However, all of that has contributed to self medicating with food. I just realized this last night. I will touch more on it in another post.
I am glad I am not anonymous in my blog. There was a time when I wish I would have been. I have realized this blog is literally about becoming a better me. That includes my life's obstacles too. Everything affects me and makes me who I am. I am blessed to have the life that I have and the obstacles to learn from. This is my life, the good bad and the ugly. I will put it out there.
I read Shrinking Kenz today and it upset me. Blogging is for me, myself, and I. I am sure there are others that feel this way. Why would "Maureen" think she is an expert and criticize someone?
This post is literally mumbo jumbo. That is how I feel right now. I don't know which end is up, I am not even sure I want to know either.
This is my "poor me" post. I am going to rise above it as I always have. I am like a cat, I WILL always land on my feet. They might be singed or bruised but I will land on my feet.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday's topic of discussion. Dieting with children.
I have so much to say on this subject. I was just talking to my co-worker on Monday I believe about this very issue. I call her Momma Henri. She can't technically be my mother in anyway shape or form, but she gives the best motherly advice. I even introduce her and Momma Henri.
Anyways, I had my fill and I got my daughters some corndogs and me some soft serve ice cream. My oldest who just turned 3 last weekend asks me if it is Diet. I say yes of course. I will go so far as to say she has no idea what a diet is. However, she does know that I had surgery on my belly. She has no idea why whatsoever. She has never said I am fat. She has said she wants a big "pansa" / belly like me. Pansa is a term for belly in Spanish. She has no idea what she is talking about.
Because my girls are adopted I know that they have my genetics. They also have their biological mother's genetics too and she is petite and fairly thin. My brother is about 5'11'' and weighs about 200 probably. Not fat and not thin. My mom was a big lady as I was growing up. I remember when she lost weight and got her first pair of 501 Levis on in the 1980's sometime. I believe she graduated high school at about 180. I graduated high school at 141. I was never the thin girl and of course I always thought I was fat. I was just the bigger girl. My girls have some bad genetics just by being who they are. I ballooned to 323 pounds. That is my heaviest recorded weight. I could have been higher, I couldn't tell you honestly because I wouldn't get on the scale unless it was at a doctors office.
I have from day one of having my girls watched their sugar intake. Avoided fast food. That isn't the case so much now. We probably average about once every two weeks or so for fast food. The only time they had candy was if my friend Kim would give it to them. I have constantly worried that they would be fat. Leeah, my oldest is a big girl. She will more than likely be built bigger than her friends. She is currently 43 lbs and 43 inches and is 3 years old. She is big, I do not consider her fat in any way. She has always been at around 90% on the growth chart. Kaylee has been hovering around 19% on the growth chart. I call her my runt and she literally is.
Once I started my pre-op diet I used the word "DIET". Leeah of course would ask if my food was diet because that is what I said. I would occasionally give her tastes of my "diet" food. Kaylee loves anything. Leeah is a picky eater.
Sooo, back to the ice cream. I lied and told Leeah it was diet. It wasn't. I told her I had a little "surgery" today and I need it to make my pansa big. Again, she says she wants a big pansa. I am sure she doesn't understand and to explain it to a 3 year old is hard.
Sooo, back to Momma Henri, I was telling her the gist of my diet conversation with Leeah and how I do not want her to think that life is a diet. I want her to enjoy her life and be happy of who she is. On the same hand, I will also say I am glad I wasn't a fat kid in school. It doesn't matter that I thought I was, I wasn't teased or harassed. I was fortunate. Granted when I was a kid I would get a snack upon getting out of school. My grandma would most likely make us a quesadilla. I would later have dinner too. I was one of those kids that was outside til the sun went down and was always active. I want the same for my children. However, I have been starting to worry about what my dieting is doing to my children. Momma Henri suggested I tell them that we are eating "healthy". I think that says it all.
I am done with lunch and will post more later.
I need suggestions and advice on how to handle dieting with children. I don't want them to feel that it is a way of life and the only way they will be happy is if they are thin.
Love ya all!
Anyways, I had my fill and I got my daughters some corndogs and me some soft serve ice cream. My oldest who just turned 3 last weekend asks me if it is Diet. I say yes of course. I will go so far as to say she has no idea what a diet is. However, she does know that I had surgery on my belly. She has no idea why whatsoever. She has never said I am fat. She has said she wants a big "pansa" / belly like me. Pansa is a term for belly in Spanish. She has no idea what she is talking about.
Because my girls are adopted I know that they have my genetics. They also have their biological mother's genetics too and she is petite and fairly thin. My brother is about 5'11'' and weighs about 200 probably. Not fat and not thin. My mom was a big lady as I was growing up. I remember when she lost weight and got her first pair of 501 Levis on in the 1980's sometime. I believe she graduated high school at about 180. I graduated high school at 141. I was never the thin girl and of course I always thought I was fat. I was just the bigger girl. My girls have some bad genetics just by being who they are. I ballooned to 323 pounds. That is my heaviest recorded weight. I could have been higher, I couldn't tell you honestly because I wouldn't get on the scale unless it was at a doctors office.
I have from day one of having my girls watched their sugar intake. Avoided fast food. That isn't the case so much now. We probably average about once every two weeks or so for fast food. The only time they had candy was if my friend Kim would give it to them. I have constantly worried that they would be fat. Leeah, my oldest is a big girl. She will more than likely be built bigger than her friends. She is currently 43 lbs and 43 inches and is 3 years old. She is big, I do not consider her fat in any way. She has always been at around 90% on the growth chart. Kaylee has been hovering around 19% on the growth chart. I call her my runt and she literally is.
Once I started my pre-op diet I used the word "DIET". Leeah of course would ask if my food was diet because that is what I said. I would occasionally give her tastes of my "diet" food. Kaylee loves anything. Leeah is a picky eater.
Sooo, back to the ice cream. I lied and told Leeah it was diet. It wasn't. I told her I had a little "surgery" today and I need it to make my pansa big. Again, she says she wants a big pansa. I am sure she doesn't understand and to explain it to a 3 year old is hard.
Sooo, back to Momma Henri, I was telling her the gist of my diet conversation with Leeah and how I do not want her to think that life is a diet. I want her to enjoy her life and be happy of who she is. On the same hand, I will also say I am glad I wasn't a fat kid in school. It doesn't matter that I thought I was, I wasn't teased or harassed. I was fortunate. Granted when I was a kid I would get a snack upon getting out of school. My grandma would most likely make us a quesadilla. I would later have dinner too. I was one of those kids that was outside til the sun went down and was always active. I want the same for my children. However, I have been starting to worry about what my dieting is doing to my children. Momma Henri suggested I tell them that we are eating "healthy". I think that says it all.
I am done with lunch and will post more later.
I need suggestions and advice on how to handle dieting with children. I don't want them to feel that it is a way of life and the only way they will be happy is if they are thin.
Love ya all!
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Monday, October 11, 2010
My first fill
I check in for my first fill and all seems normal. I already knew it was going to be done at the hospital. I assumed the Bariatric Nurse was going to be doing the fill since she is now licensed or something to do them in AZ. She said she was the first in AZ.
I'm waiting to be called back in and I hear the nurse before I see her. lol. I love her outgoing personality. What surprised me is that the nurse called a few of us to go back. We get back in the room and get on the body mass scale. (Something that gives about 50 readings and a print out). According to that scale I am down 57 pounds. I kept staring at the two printouts with the past and present information. Stunned is about the right word for how I felt. Keep in mind only 14 of that is post op since August 19th. 7.5 weeks later. My home scale gives me a higher loss than any other scale. I also had some stress eating while out of town for my daughter's surgery and over my grand niece Isabella.
I noticed that my surgeon and nurse are both wearing x-ray smocks so of course I ask why. The answer is fills are done under xray & we have a barium swallow test too. I am shocked. Stress level instantly goes up. I sure as heck did not expect that. I thought I was just going to get a poke with some saline. The guy to my left was having his first fill also. He handled it a lot better than I did. Some are saying they have been poked up to 9 times at one fill. Its now my turn, I go back and am immediately given my barium. Stand, swallow, & I'm good to go. Time to lay on the x-ray table. My eyes are all bug eyed because I am trying to see everything. It looks like everything for a fill comes in a box. Let me tell you that I've never really been afraid of needles. I used to take Depo and that was a huge needle so I am still thinking no biggie. Yeah right... today was a BIG needle. The nurse is squirting saline out of the syringe and all I could think is I wish that was going in me. Next thing you know saline landed on me. Close to what I was thinking but not quite what I wanted.
My surgeon is feeling around and looking on the screen as I am holding a half sit up pose. She says ok here goes the 'big poke'. OUCH it was a miss. I think I moved on her. My port continues to be sore so I am sure I flinched. She tries again... here goes the poke... OMG it felt like she was trying to hit a wall or something. I swear it thudded. She is pushing and pushing on the syringe plunger I don't really feel anything other than the 'big poke'. She gave me 3 ccs so I now have 4 ccs. I was given 1 cc at surgery. I get to stand up and go have more barium. Yummy. :(
Time to sit out in the room and drink my water. I felt nauseous. Not too bad. It passed fairly quickly. I then move on to lightheaded dizziness. I'm kind of used to that now because my blood preesure keeps fluctuating, I keep talking with the other people getting fills all the while absorbing everything they have to say. Water is all gone. Yay! No gurgling. No throwing up. Not feeling the best but not too bad. I think I even like the 'assembly line' of fills since you get to talk with each other while you wait & drink.
Now my concerns. Has anyone ever gotten 3 ccs at once? Is that a nit agressive or is it just me thinking that? My surgeon did say it is better to get it off in the begnning faster because the loss does slow down. Is it normal to feel nauseous after water? I had soft serve ice cream and had no problems with it. (Of course I wouldn't its ice cream). I have a bit of a headache which could be my stress level. It sort of feels like the water is 'sitting' in my stomach but its not swooshing. I actually feel like I did the first two weeks post op.
What's your experience with a fill?
What's your take on the fill size?
Goodnight my dears!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Eye Surgery & Baby Isabella
Baby Isabella is out of danger. Thank you for the prayers. She does have a blockage caused from the NEC infection and will be having surgery. Probably in about 3 weeks. She has to recover fully from the NEC infection. I did get to see her today and she looks so much better than she did in Yuma. God is holding her hand.
Just so you know I didnt eat all the food earlier. I did eat all of the egg salad. The insides of the grilled cheese. I brought home all of the olives except the black ones they were yucky. I ate the a few onion rings and all the gravy off the mashed potatoes.
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I feel better... lol
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Please Pray
Baby Isabella's NEC infection has not gotten better. As soon as my Sister and my Niece (Isabella's Mommy) get to the hospital she will be air-ambulanced out of town. We are not sure where to yet. My sister will let me know.
Please pray for God's will. He has a reason for everything He does. I still pray He doesn't take her but that has become a real possibility. God is Great and His reasoning is not to be questioned.
God, I love you and I am sorry I am a bit mad at you right now!
Please pray for God's will. He has a reason for everything He does. I still pray He doesn't take her but that has become a real possibility. God is Great and His reasoning is not to be questioned.
God, I love you and I am sorry I am a bit mad at you right now!
I Wish Wednesday
Today my wishes are simple.
I wish, hope and pray that Baby Isabella pulls through the NEC infection she has. My sister says her belly is so distended that her skin is shiny from being stretched so much. God, you can't have her. Please stop giving her life threatening illnesses. You have added weight to her little body and she now weighs 4 lbs 1 oz, you must want her to live. Please heal her!
I wish for my youngest daughter to come through surgery with no complications. I am also wishing for an easy recovery. God, guide the Surgeon's hands as he operates on both her little eyes. God, guide me so that I may be the mother that my baby needs tomorrow and during recovery.
I am following Mary's Mary's Blog lead here,,, I wish I had clothes that fit too. Since may I have lost 60 pounds and I am still wearing the same clothes. The bottoms look worse than pajama bottoms. It feels good to know I will never be that size again. Yet, I look absolutely horrible. Mama's needs come after the girls needs, after our new home, and after anything else that seems more important.
I wish for my mini van not to be ready today so that I can take the rental Suburban to Phoenix for my daughters surgery tomorrow.
I also wish for all you to find a way through the struggles that are afflicting you all.
Love ya!
I wish, hope and pray that Baby Isabella pulls through the NEC infection she has. My sister says her belly is so distended that her skin is shiny from being stretched so much. God, you can't have her. Please stop giving her life threatening illnesses. You have added weight to her little body and she now weighs 4 lbs 1 oz, you must want her to live. Please heal her!
I wish for my youngest daughter to come through surgery with no complications. I am also wishing for an easy recovery. God, guide the Surgeon's hands as he operates on both her little eyes. God, guide me so that I may be the mother that my baby needs tomorrow and during recovery.
I am following Mary's Mary's Blog lead here,,, I wish I had clothes that fit too. Since may I have lost 60 pounds and I am still wearing the same clothes. The bottoms look worse than pajama bottoms. It feels good to know I will never be that size again. Yet, I look absolutely horrible. Mama's needs come after the girls needs, after our new home, and after anything else that seems more important.
I wish for my mini van not to be ready today so that I can take the rental Suburban to Phoenix for my daughters surgery tomorrow.
I also wish for all you to find a way through the struggles that are afflicting you all.
Love ya!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Water drinking.
I haven't learned to not drink during a meal. I know this is a "no, no" but I literally can not get the food down without a sip. I also find myself drinking sooner than an hour after eating. I am too "scared" to ask my Bariatric Nurse about the damage I am doing since my last 8 oz of eating question to her.
Do any of you drink while you? Am I damaging myself?
Could you send some advice over?
Love ya!
Do any of you drink while you? Am I damaging myself?
Could you send some advice over?
Love ya!
Do you burp as much as I do?
I am beginning to wonder if my burping is out of control. I seem to NEED to HAVE to burp during and after every meal and snack.
Am I doing something wrong? Before surgery, I hardly ever burped unless it slipped out and was uncontrollable during a Diet Pepsi. My sister use to laugh at me because I couldn't "force" myself to burp if my life depended on it. Post surgery I was miserable because I couldn't burp. Now I have to make myself burp by pounding on my chest or they just escape.
I don't think this is a PB. I hope its not the beginning of one that gets better after I burp. I definitely feel better once I burp.
Tell me your experience with burps.
Have a great day all!
Am I doing something wrong? Before surgery, I hardly ever burped unless it slipped out and was uncontrollable during a Diet Pepsi. My sister use to laugh at me because I couldn't "force" myself to burp if my life depended on it. Post surgery I was miserable because I couldn't burp. Now I have to make myself burp by pounding on my chest or they just escape.
I don't think this is a PB. I hope its not the beginning of one that gets better after I burp. I definitely feel better once I burp.
Tell me your experience with burps.
Have a great day all!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Walk From Obesity National Walk
I haven't heard much about this national walk. My Bariatric center is sponsoring the walk. We are the only one here in Arizona that is doing the walk. I can't believe I have registered to walk. It is this Saturday, October 9th. Wish us luck.
http://www.walkfromobesity.com/index.php
Sorry, you will have to copy and paste.
If anyone wants to donate you go to:
- join a walk
- choose Yuma, Arizona
- sponsor a walker
- enter my name Angela Smith
- then donate.
I will have my girls along with me. They will get to enjoy the nice stroller ride. Smith Girls rock!!!
Here is the link to the brochure: http://www.walkfromobesity.com/2010WalkBrochure.pdf
http://www.walkfromobesity.com/index.php
Sorry, you will have to copy and paste.
If anyone wants to donate you go to:
- join a walk
- choose Yuma, Arizona
- sponsor a walker
- enter my name Angela Smith
- then donate.
I will have my girls along with me. They will get to enjoy the nice stroller ride. Smith Girls rock!!!
Here is the link to the brochure: http://www.walkfromobesity.com/2010WalkBrochure.pdf
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Catching up
I feel lost and alone for the last week. I haven't blogged since last week. I haven't left any comments and I miss you all. Loved seeing all the pics from Chicago. Count me in for year 2. I am also sad for those people whose expectations of themselves or the weekend was not met.
Here is my life for the past week. Long post warning.
- Had our companny BBQ last Saturday we had a great time. Friday was the employee only BBQ which is when the guys as work prepare the pit BBQ for Saturday. I have more fun on Fridays since everyone just let's loose and we have a good time. We even have a homemade craps table. This year I took two girlfriends with me. We all had a blast. :) Saturday everyone is busy with their families. My girls had a blast. They loved the 30 foot slide.
- Tuesday my oldest daughter had surgery out of town. Surgery went well. This was her 2nd surgery this year. Both were minor surgeries and unrelated. Her first surgery was a frenulectomy which was to separate her lip from her gum. My youngest will have the same surgery when she turns 2. That little piece of skin on the top of our gums inside her mouth was attached to the gum between her front teeth. Her second surgery was to open her vagina. Her inner labia was aherred. When I found it a year ago they gave me Premarin cream to try and open it. I tried it various times over the year but it never opened. She has had a couple of bladder infections this year so they felt now was the time to do it. Needless to say I was very stressed going into this surgery. Thank you God for holding her hand through surgery. She is now as perfect as perfect can be.
- Also on Tuesday my youngest daughter had an appointment with her eye specialist. I found out that the time has come for her eye surgery. It is now scheduled for the 7th which is next Thursday. I have known this was coming but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. She is only 19 months old.
- Wednesday the hospital for my youngest daughter's surgery called to preregister her. She told me they were operating on both eyes. She said she would call the Dr to verify. Sure as heck they are going to do both eyes. :( When she told me that I immediately felt the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. I am terrified that they will be operating on her good eye too. She has amblyopia and strabismis. They have to do both eyes to position them properly. Aunt Pat is going to keep my oldest so I can concentrate on my baby. This surgery means # 5 this year for a family of 3. Two for my oldest, two for me (sinus surgery which I was admitted to the hospital for & lap band). To say I am ready for a normal year is an understatement.
- Baby Isabella doesn't need heart surgery. What a blessing. She is still in NICU & will be for at least another month. For a premie she is doing well.
- I found a house to rent. It is a 3 bedroom 2 bath. I am starting to get excited. We will be moving on the 15th. My oldest is getting a fish and going into a toddler bed.
- I have an appointment for my first fill. Which is on Oct 11th. Which is just days away from 8 weeks post op.
- Last Thursday was 6 weeks post op. I started on solids. Baby steps. First time I chewed I felt like I had stuff stuck in my teeth and they kinda felt weird after chewing. Kind of like they were sore.
- Thursday morning I woke up to a vandalized mini van. I have lived here 18 months with no problems and they wait til my last 2 weeks here to cause trouble. Plus side I am in a rental. 2011 Suburban. It had 120 miles when I got in. This has been my dream vehicle forever. I want to steal it. :) I am in love!
- Last night I went to dinner with my sister & Ron. We went to Olive Garden. The waitress was nice enough to let me share the all you can eat pasta with my girls. I ordered the whole wheat pasta with alfredo sauce & chicken. My oldest didn't like the wheat pasta. My youngest loved it. I ate all the chicken and tried the pasta. I didn't care for it. I did have some breadsticks. I had less than 1.5 and they went down so easy. Obviously I have no restriction. However, by the time we were home I was miserable. I am sure everything expanded. I was bloated and even comtemplated going to the emergency room. Remind me bread isn't good for me if I do it again.
- Since last night I haven't been able to eat and I haven't been hungry. Breakfast was about 1/2 cup of refried beans. I couldn't eat anymore. I just had some soup. I finally feel hungry and I feel like I could eat a cow. I still feel uncomfortable though.
- Week 6 post op weigh in I only lost .4 of a pound. That is by far the least amount I have lost a week. Even with that weight loss I am still a bit over a 2.5 lb weight loss per week. Thank you band. :)
I think I am done updating for now.
Have a great weekend all!
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