I haven't been sleeping at all this week. I want to say that I am not nervous about my surgery date but I know I am. I lay awake tossing and turning trying to get comfortable and a million thoughts run through mind. Lately I find myself going between a few things surgery, my girls, and Ron. Not necessarily in that order.
After sneaking into the girls room and watching them sleep for a bit I went back to bed feeling so blessed with my life. I can't remember the last time I felt so content with my life. Let me tell you, I have some "issues" in my life. Some might even say they are major. To me, it is just my life. It is what it is. So, I take this blissful feeling back to bed and I start thinking about Ron. I felt so great after talking to him on the phone last night. Needless to say I rambled on about me, myself and I... he listened. I felt like the luckiest woman on the earth to have a man such as he is "pay attention" to my ramblings. I miss him. I just saw him on Sunday and it feels like an eternity since I laid my head on his shoulder and leaned against him. Both of our alarms go off at 4:30 am so we can get to work on time so we rarely see each other Monday through Wednesday. He has a commute and I have the girls to wake up. Plus I not only drop the girls off at daycare but I drop my dog off at my parents so she won't be alone.
I starting thinking about Ron and my blissful feeling changed. I haven't found the right word for it quite yet. I'm writing this out hoping the right word will come to mind. I met him at my heaviest in May. When we first starting communicating it was just getting to know each other info back and forth. Then he says he would like to "meet". Oh heck! Here came the time for me to tell him I am a LARGE WOMAN! He said I had a "pretty face" which I have always called the kiss of death, and thought we should meet anyways and see how it went. I enjoyed myself and he did too. We exchanged numbers. That was three months ago. I don't think more than a handful of days have gone by that I haven't at the very least spoken with him. He has become a constant and I look forward to ending each of my nights with the sound of his voice.
Ron and I had a conversation a few days back and it was along the lines of I don't believe in love. He said he would settle for lust. At least that is the gist of how I remember it. He is a romantic and still believes in the fairytale. I love that about him. I have become cynical about love in my older age. I see what my friends have gone through and I know what I have gone through and it has changed how I feel about love. My friend Blondie will tell you I fall in love ALL the time and for ALL the wrong reasons. That was the old me or so I think.
Ron and I are establishing a relationship that is unlike any I have ever had before. It amazes me that this is really happening. My ex-husband was dating someone when I met him. I did not know it at the time. He told me after the fact. That conversation went along the lines of I chose you because you gave better sex. I should have known I was doomed. Another ex called me Bunny and not because of my poop (thanks Drazil lol). Ron is different. He is the most intelligent man I have ever met. His background is unbelievable and here he is dating me. I am a bit dingy at times and I absolutely hate that it happens. I think he will vouch for that one. I guess you can say I make him laugh. Maybe this is what mature love is supposed to be like. OMG did I just say love??? Okay, I must have meant mature relationships. lol
The things I love about him, he took a chance on me and accepted me as I was. He is supportive of my surgery and me. He lets my girls climb all over him and draws them spiders. He bought them a Muppet Movie and we all sat and watched it. It was his choice. :) He makes me feel like the most special person in the world. He is amazing and he amazes me. I also want to say that because of how I feel about him and how he is I feel more confident going into this surgery. I told him last night I was doing it for my girls first, for me second, and he was third because I wanted to look good for him. Of course the amazing Ron I know said he was fine with being third. I'm telling you, he IS amazing!
The best part is he calls me Sweetheart.
I will end this by saying I definitely feel more than lust.
"The most eloquent silence is that of two mouths meeting in a kiss." ~ Unknown ~