Long post warning.
Two weeks in a row now Draz has blogged about my feelings. 1st was the dieting and children. Now its about depression.
I know she can't be inside my head, I haven't met her. Do I feel a connection to her, absolutely. I think we all do. How does she know what I am going through? Well, she doesn't know what I am going through. This is just life and we all go through it. Some of us will blog about and it will help to a certain degree. Some of us will hide from it and hope it isn't here.
I am going to blog and hope it helps me. I am also going to blog about it in hopes that those that are around me will understand why I have withdrawn.
Here is the history.
I have been on antidepressants since 1996. My husband and his mother had an intervention with me. I remember talking to the gal on the Medical line (I had Kaiser Ins at the time and everything was handled though one number at the time) and I remember her telling me I was in some kind of state I told her I wasn't. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Now it is time to give you an update of my life at the time and what "caused" my depression. I had just gotten married, my in-laws moved in with us. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. I spent two weeks in a woman's shelter and I went back. Then the intervention happened. Of course I was depressed. What else would you call it?
When I moved from Cali back to Arizona I was laid of from my job making 52k a year. I worked in Aerospace. I was Human Resources and Payroll. I oversaw Accounts Payable. I loved my job. I loved Cali. I loved my life to an extent. I came home to AZ to "vacation". It was the first time I could spend any length of time in AZ with my family. I had 6 weeks of severance pay to get my life in order. I applied for one job and got it. I was hired in Yuma making almost $12.00 an hour. Let me tell you, that is actually really good pay here in town. I remember driving to work and seeing the big power poles on the side of the road and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. My parents would be taken care of, I had a huge life insurance policy on me at the time out of fear of what my husband would do when I left him. Suicide was a covered death. I checked. It wasn't just the low paying job it was everything. When you are depressed there isn't and exact reason as to why you are depressed. YOU JUST ARE. At least that is how it was for me.
I had planned my date as to when I was going to drive into the power pole. I will tell you that to this date I do not take Ave C to work on a regular basis. The thought of what could have been is still to vivid and its about 7 years later.
Here comes the epiphany.
I had a dream. I was walking on water. I soon figured out I should be and couldn't actually be walking on water and started to sink and drown. I heard a big loud booming voice that said "If you believe in Me, you will be okay". I was seeing the Dr again. Yes, he knew about the power poles. We were trying to adjust my meds to find me some comfort and peace. I told him about my dream and he said, "You just had an epiphany, what are you going to do about it"? My Dr ended up adding an additional antidepressant to the mix. Momma Henri comes into my life and introduces to a bible study. Some of you may remember there was a lot of talk and such about A Purpose Driven Life by Phil Warren. Yes, I was part of that big bible study the country did together. I LOVED IT!!! God helped me in so many ways. I was saved on Palm Sunday that year. I was born and raised Catholic and I chose to become a Christian. I am so proud to be a Christian too. I know God is there for me always. Even when I am depressed.
Present day.
I have had so much going on in my life. I am not sure how much more I can handle. I can't find my anti-depressants and have been out for about a week. I am actually not really sure I can afford the $60 copay right now to refill them. Actually, I know I can't. I don't have $60 to spare on myself at this moment. There are other priorities. I know I have some somewhere. In the mess of moving they are missing. I have always said I don't ever want to know what I am like without my meds. I am now finding out. I don't like it. I feel awful. I am at wits end. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to be strong for my girls. This hurts to admit, but they are seeing a change in me. I am not as "easy" on them as I normally am. I am quick to anger. I am very unhappy. I hate the way I feel. I love my life. I love my girls. I love our new house.
I haven't looked up the side affects of stopping your antidepressants do to you. I could tell you what I think they do. I don't like the feeling at all.
I do think part of my dizziness and tiredness is from being depressed. I wish I could have caught on to that when I saw my Primary Care Physician last month. I am sure part of that is my blood pressure and my blood pressure meds from losing weight. However, I now the truth of the matter is depression. When I was told I was clinically depressed I was told I would probably be on meds the rest of my life. I am okay with it. I don't feel a stigma from it. It is what makes me me. However, this new bout of depression is different. Its harder to handle. Its harder to hide. Its harder on me. I don't want my girls to see or know what I feel. My oldest has only seen me cry once and that is because Kaylee fell out of my arms at about 2 months old. I had to have everyone over to make sure she was okay. Also because I had to take her to the emergency room. Before someone thinks I am a child abuser I will explain myself on this. I did say she fell out of my arms. I didn't drop her. She was a hard baby to handle. Didn't like to be held, fussed a lot. Wouldn't sleep more than an hour or two max at a time. I always say if she would have been first there would not have been two. Kaylee is autistic. Hopefully you can understand and relate to the type of baby she was. Needless to say she fell out of my arms and landed in the laundry basket. She didn't get hurt and I didn't take her to the ER. She was fine. I was scared, terrified actually. Both girls were wards of the state at that time and the adoption wasn't final. I refuse to let my girls see me cry. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I look at my girls and I know the world will be okay someday again. I will survive.
I have withdrawn from those that matter. I don't text as much as before. I don't like to use the phone so communication has been reduced on all ends. I don't look anyone in the eyes. I don't plan something to do. I just do what is necessary. I survive.
Tomorrow.
I will attempt to not overeat.
I will attempt to keep communication going.
I will try not to withdraw any further. I know that is not possible and I may lose people currently in my life.
I will do this for myself and my girls.
Someday.
I will land on my feet. I am like a cat after all.
I hope it is tomorrow. I know it may not be.
I will be me.
I will be happy.
I will be excited to greet the day.
As for now.
I have my girls,
I have God.
I have myself.
Treatment plan:
FIND MY EFFING MEDS AND SEE IF THEY HELP. If not, I will call my Dr. and tell him I am out of control. I guess I will do my own intervention. :)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday at work
This morning when I got to work one of the farmers sent up cantelopes. I cut one up for breakfast Oh my goodness it was so juicy and sweet.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Two for Tuesday... Outrageous eating post and weight gain.
I had a fill on Oct 11th. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. I didn't get it. :(
I have had my share of stress and yesterday I noticed that I am over eating. The week before I had gained a few pounds. I was out of town for my oldest daughter's surgery. Today, I got on the scale and I gained a few more. Thursday is my weigh in day, but I wanted to know the damage. It isn't pretty. I am up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. On Thursday I will post a more accurate number since I have not had any of my diuretics since last Thursday. Yes, I take them daily, they are part of my high blood pressure medication. I moved on Friday and was just too busy to take them since frequent bathroom trips are called for.
Friday, Ron picked up pizza for us. I did very well. I had the toppings off of 4 slices. Not too shabby. Especially since it was Little Cesars pizza. There isn't much topping on there to begin with.
Saturday I can't remember what we had for dinner. Sunday was the whopper. My SIL dropped off a Large Blimpie Sandwich. The girls were napping so I tore into half of it. Ate a bit of the bread, and all of the meat. WOW! I just ate half a footlong. Continued on with my day. Ron picked up Little Cesars pizza again for dinner plus a cheesy bread thingy. I had two whole slices (I believe) and three slices of the cheesy bread and that is after I went and had the third piece of cheesy bread. It all went down easy, I didn't get stuck, I didn't chew well, it was gobbled and inhaled. I literally ate without thinking. I was my old self. Granted, I did eat much less than I would have normally. I used to be able to EAT pizza like a champ.
Monday, I had the meat out of the Blimpie Sandwich before work. It held me over til lunch time when I went to get lunch. I ordered a Spinach tuna wrap on a bed of salad and a side of chicken salad for later. I hate half of my wrap ate the two pieces of tomatoes and two pieces of cucumber off of my salad. For my afternoon meal/snack I had the other half of the wrap. Let me explain that I work ten hour days and I eat an average of 3 times while at work. I don't or shall I say I have not over eaten at work because I plan my meals. Not saying it isn't possible but it hasn't happened. My 3 meals a day at work have allowed me to lose weight. I do go home and have some sort of dinner. Usually a soup because I feed myself something other than what I feed the girls.
Sooo, Monday after work I had to go and pick up some milk. My girls are both on bottles. Yes, my 3 year old too. Only she has one when she goes to sleep. Yes, its bad for their teeth. So far so good. I do plan on breaking her of that and she is aware of it. I have told her for months when she turns 3 she will not have a baba anymore. She once told me she didn't want to be 3 anymore. lol However, until we are moved and settled I will not do this to her. My 1 year old will also go off of the pacifier when this happens. She only gets her pacifier when it is time to go to sleep. Back to the milk, I went to a different store than normal and happened to head down the chip aisle on my way to find the milk. OH BOY! the chips landed in my cart so fast. I don't know how that happened. Once in the car I opened up the chips. They were my all time favorites. Lays Kettle BBQ... yummy. I picked up the girls, loaded up stuff from the apt, took it to the house, stopped by my parents to wish my mom happy birthday. Ran through Weinershnitzel to get my girls some corndogs. Fast and easy. NOT HEALTHY! But easy. By the time we got home the chips were gone. This was within a couple of hours. ABSOLUTELY gone and in my belly. Since it was an 8 ounce bag of chips does that mean I only had a "cup" of food? I was shocked that they were gone. They went down easy. No problems what so ever.
After I got the girls to bed and I crawled into bed myself I realized I had also eaten about one whole corn dog too. I was appalled that I had done this. NO LESSONS LEARNED in the last 5 months. Then I realized, my worries weren't as big as they have been before bedtime. I had reverted back to my old ways and had eaten to feel better. I fell asleep telling myself that tomorrow (today) would be a new day.
This morning I ordered the insides of a breakfast burrito times two. Yes, I ordered two plates. I ordered egg, bacon, ham, and cheese. I ordered two plates. I ate about half for breakfast. The other half about 2.5 hours later. Now I am eating lunch. Panda express 3 entree meal I am sharing with a co-worker. Today is a better day. I am stuffed and I continued to eat a bit more. Until that one more bite would be too much. NOW I feel happy. Have I failed completely? I don't think so. Did I do what I set out to do today? NOPE!
Here is to hoping for a better rest of the day.
Dilemmas
:
I have no restriction.
I have not learned how to overcome feeling better with food.
I am worried I am going to fail at the band.
I DO EAT LESS THAN BEFORE. A whole lot less. I don't know if that "less" is going to be sufficient for weight loss.
I still depend on food to make me feel better. This may never end.
Goal:
Hoping the rest of my day is better.
One meal at a time.
I have had my share of stress and yesterday I noticed that I am over eating. The week before I had gained a few pounds. I was out of town for my oldest daughter's surgery. Today, I got on the scale and I gained a few more. Thursday is my weigh in day, but I wanted to know the damage. It isn't pretty. I am up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. On Thursday I will post a more accurate number since I have not had any of my diuretics since last Thursday. Yes, I take them daily, they are part of my high blood pressure medication. I moved on Friday and was just too busy to take them since frequent bathroom trips are called for.
Friday, Ron picked up pizza for us. I did very well. I had the toppings off of 4 slices. Not too shabby. Especially since it was Little Cesars pizza. There isn't much topping on there to begin with.
Saturday I can't remember what we had for dinner. Sunday was the whopper. My SIL dropped off a Large Blimpie Sandwich. The girls were napping so I tore into half of it. Ate a bit of the bread, and all of the meat. WOW! I just ate half a footlong. Continued on with my day. Ron picked up Little Cesars pizza again for dinner plus a cheesy bread thingy. I had two whole slices (I believe) and three slices of the cheesy bread and that is after I went and had the third piece of cheesy bread. It all went down easy, I didn't get stuck, I didn't chew well, it was gobbled and inhaled. I literally ate without thinking. I was my old self. Granted, I did eat much less than I would have normally. I used to be able to EAT pizza like a champ.
Monday, I had the meat out of the Blimpie Sandwich before work. It held me over til lunch time when I went to get lunch. I ordered a Spinach tuna wrap on a bed of salad and a side of chicken salad for later. I hate half of my wrap ate the two pieces of tomatoes and two pieces of cucumber off of my salad. For my afternoon meal/snack I had the other half of the wrap. Let me explain that I work ten hour days and I eat an average of 3 times while at work. I don't or shall I say I have not over eaten at work because I plan my meals. Not saying it isn't possible but it hasn't happened. My 3 meals a day at work have allowed me to lose weight. I do go home and have some sort of dinner. Usually a soup because I feed myself something other than what I feed the girls.
Sooo, Monday after work I had to go and pick up some milk. My girls are both on bottles. Yes, my 3 year old too. Only she has one when she goes to sleep. Yes, its bad for their teeth. So far so good. I do plan on breaking her of that and she is aware of it. I have told her for months when she turns 3 she will not have a baba anymore. She once told me she didn't want to be 3 anymore. lol However, until we are moved and settled I will not do this to her. My 1 year old will also go off of the pacifier when this happens. She only gets her pacifier when it is time to go to sleep. Back to the milk, I went to a different store than normal and happened to head down the chip aisle on my way to find the milk. OH BOY! the chips landed in my cart so fast. I don't know how that happened. Once in the car I opened up the chips. They were my all time favorites. Lays Kettle BBQ... yummy. I picked up the girls, loaded up stuff from the apt, took it to the house, stopped by my parents to wish my mom happy birthday. Ran through Weinershnitzel to get my girls some corndogs. Fast and easy. NOT HEALTHY! But easy. By the time we got home the chips were gone. This was within a couple of hours. ABSOLUTELY gone and in my belly. Since it was an 8 ounce bag of chips does that mean I only had a "cup" of food? I was shocked that they were gone. They went down easy. No problems what so ever.
After I got the girls to bed and I crawled into bed myself I realized I had also eaten about one whole corn dog too. I was appalled that I had done this. NO LESSONS LEARNED in the last 5 months. Then I realized, my worries weren't as big as they have been before bedtime. I had reverted back to my old ways and had eaten to feel better. I fell asleep telling myself that tomorrow (today) would be a new day.
This morning I ordered the insides of a breakfast burrito times two. Yes, I ordered two plates. I ordered egg, bacon, ham, and cheese. I ordered two plates. I ate about half for breakfast. The other half about 2.5 hours later. Now I am eating lunch. Panda express 3 entree meal I am sharing with a co-worker. Today is a better day. I am stuffed and I continued to eat a bit more. Until that one more bite would be too much. NOW I feel happy. Have I failed completely? I don't think so. Did I do what I set out to do today? NOPE!
Here is to hoping for a better rest of the day.
Dilemmas
:
I have no restriction.
I have not learned how to overcome feeling better with food.
I am worried I am going to fail at the band.
I DO EAT LESS THAN BEFORE. A whole lot less. I don't know if that "less" is going to be sufficient for weight loss.
I still depend on food to make me feel better. This may never end.
Goal:
Hoping the rest of my day is better.
One meal at a time.
Tuesday mumbo jumbo
So many thoughts running through my head. So many emotions I am battling. So many times my eating has been out of control.
I promise once I am completely moved and settled in our new house that I will try to blog more often.
Needless to say the last few weeks have been heck. Both of my daughters had surgery 9 days apart. My mini van was vandalized in between. Baby Isabella was air ambulanced to another city. The move from the apt to a house. My van having the same mechanical problem it had a year ago when it was under factory warranty. I have only had my van 3 nights before I took it back to Chevy to get it fixed for the same problem only its worse now. I have been in a rental since Oct 1st. My finances are literally killing me, I could go on and on. However, all of that has contributed to self medicating with food. I just realized this last night. I will touch more on it in another post.
I am glad I am not anonymous in my blog. There was a time when I wish I would have been. I have realized this blog is literally about becoming a better me. That includes my life's obstacles too. Everything affects me and makes me who I am. I am blessed to have the life that I have and the obstacles to learn from. This is my life, the good bad and the ugly. I will put it out there.
I read Shrinking Kenz today and it upset me. Blogging is for me, myself, and I. I am sure there are others that feel this way. Why would "Maureen" think she is an expert and criticize someone?
This post is literally mumbo jumbo. That is how I feel right now. I don't know which end is up, I am not even sure I want to know either.
This is my "poor me" post. I am going to rise above it as I always have. I am like a cat, I WILL always land on my feet. They might be singed or bruised but I will land on my feet.
I promise once I am completely moved and settled in our new house that I will try to blog more often.
Needless to say the last few weeks have been heck. Both of my daughters had surgery 9 days apart. My mini van was vandalized in between. Baby Isabella was air ambulanced to another city. The move from the apt to a house. My van having the same mechanical problem it had a year ago when it was under factory warranty. I have only had my van 3 nights before I took it back to Chevy to get it fixed for the same problem only its worse now. I have been in a rental since Oct 1st. My finances are literally killing me, I could go on and on. However, all of that has contributed to self medicating with food. I just realized this last night. I will touch more on it in another post.
I am glad I am not anonymous in my blog. There was a time when I wish I would have been. I have realized this blog is literally about becoming a better me. That includes my life's obstacles too. Everything affects me and makes me who I am. I am blessed to have the life that I have and the obstacles to learn from. This is my life, the good bad and the ugly. I will put it out there.
I read Shrinking Kenz today and it upset me. Blogging is for me, myself, and I. I am sure there are others that feel this way. Why would "Maureen" think she is an expert and criticize someone?
This post is literally mumbo jumbo. That is how I feel right now. I don't know which end is up, I am not even sure I want to know either.
This is my "poor me" post. I am going to rise above it as I always have. I am like a cat, I WILL always land on my feet. They might be singed or bruised but I will land on my feet.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday's topic of discussion. Dieting with children.
I have so much to say on this subject. I was just talking to my co-worker on Monday I believe about this very issue. I call her Momma Henri. She can't technically be my mother in anyway shape or form, but she gives the best motherly advice. I even introduce her and Momma Henri.
Anyways, I had my fill and I got my daughters some corndogs and me some soft serve ice cream. My oldest who just turned 3 last weekend asks me if it is Diet. I say yes of course. I will go so far as to say she has no idea what a diet is. However, she does know that I had surgery on my belly. She has no idea why whatsoever. She has never said I am fat. She has said she wants a big "pansa" / belly like me. Pansa is a term for belly in Spanish. She has no idea what she is talking about.
Because my girls are adopted I know that they have my genetics. They also have their biological mother's genetics too and she is petite and fairly thin. My brother is about 5'11'' and weighs about 200 probably. Not fat and not thin. My mom was a big lady as I was growing up. I remember when she lost weight and got her first pair of 501 Levis on in the 1980's sometime. I believe she graduated high school at about 180. I graduated high school at 141. I was never the thin girl and of course I always thought I was fat. I was just the bigger girl. My girls have some bad genetics just by being who they are. I ballooned to 323 pounds. That is my heaviest recorded weight. I could have been higher, I couldn't tell you honestly because I wouldn't get on the scale unless it was at a doctors office.
I have from day one of having my girls watched their sugar intake. Avoided fast food. That isn't the case so much now. We probably average about once every two weeks or so for fast food. The only time they had candy was if my friend Kim would give it to them. I have constantly worried that they would be fat. Leeah, my oldest is a big girl. She will more than likely be built bigger than her friends. She is currently 43 lbs and 43 inches and is 3 years old. She is big, I do not consider her fat in any way. She has always been at around 90% on the growth chart. Kaylee has been hovering around 19% on the growth chart. I call her my runt and she literally is.
Once I started my pre-op diet I used the word "DIET". Leeah of course would ask if my food was diet because that is what I said. I would occasionally give her tastes of my "diet" food. Kaylee loves anything. Leeah is a picky eater.
Sooo, back to the ice cream. I lied and told Leeah it was diet. It wasn't. I told her I had a little "surgery" today and I need it to make my pansa big. Again, she says she wants a big pansa. I am sure she doesn't understand and to explain it to a 3 year old is hard.
Sooo, back to Momma Henri, I was telling her the gist of my diet conversation with Leeah and how I do not want her to think that life is a diet. I want her to enjoy her life and be happy of who she is. On the same hand, I will also say I am glad I wasn't a fat kid in school. It doesn't matter that I thought I was, I wasn't teased or harassed. I was fortunate. Granted when I was a kid I would get a snack upon getting out of school. My grandma would most likely make us a quesadilla. I would later have dinner too. I was one of those kids that was outside til the sun went down and was always active. I want the same for my children. However, I have been starting to worry about what my dieting is doing to my children. Momma Henri suggested I tell them that we are eating "healthy". I think that says it all.
I am done with lunch and will post more later.
I need suggestions and advice on how to handle dieting with children. I don't want them to feel that it is a way of life and the only way they will be happy is if they are thin.
Love ya all!
Anyways, I had my fill and I got my daughters some corndogs and me some soft serve ice cream. My oldest who just turned 3 last weekend asks me if it is Diet. I say yes of course. I will go so far as to say she has no idea what a diet is. However, she does know that I had surgery on my belly. She has no idea why whatsoever. She has never said I am fat. She has said she wants a big "pansa" / belly like me. Pansa is a term for belly in Spanish. She has no idea what she is talking about.
Because my girls are adopted I know that they have my genetics. They also have their biological mother's genetics too and she is petite and fairly thin. My brother is about 5'11'' and weighs about 200 probably. Not fat and not thin. My mom was a big lady as I was growing up. I remember when she lost weight and got her first pair of 501 Levis on in the 1980's sometime. I believe she graduated high school at about 180. I graduated high school at 141. I was never the thin girl and of course I always thought I was fat. I was just the bigger girl. My girls have some bad genetics just by being who they are. I ballooned to 323 pounds. That is my heaviest recorded weight. I could have been higher, I couldn't tell you honestly because I wouldn't get on the scale unless it was at a doctors office.
I have from day one of having my girls watched their sugar intake. Avoided fast food. That isn't the case so much now. We probably average about once every two weeks or so for fast food. The only time they had candy was if my friend Kim would give it to them. I have constantly worried that they would be fat. Leeah, my oldest is a big girl. She will more than likely be built bigger than her friends. She is currently 43 lbs and 43 inches and is 3 years old. She is big, I do not consider her fat in any way. She has always been at around 90% on the growth chart. Kaylee has been hovering around 19% on the growth chart. I call her my runt and she literally is.
Once I started my pre-op diet I used the word "DIET". Leeah of course would ask if my food was diet because that is what I said. I would occasionally give her tastes of my "diet" food. Kaylee loves anything. Leeah is a picky eater.
Sooo, back to the ice cream. I lied and told Leeah it was diet. It wasn't. I told her I had a little "surgery" today and I need it to make my pansa big. Again, she says she wants a big pansa. I am sure she doesn't understand and to explain it to a 3 year old is hard.
Sooo, back to Momma Henri, I was telling her the gist of my diet conversation with Leeah and how I do not want her to think that life is a diet. I want her to enjoy her life and be happy of who she is. On the same hand, I will also say I am glad I wasn't a fat kid in school. It doesn't matter that I thought I was, I wasn't teased or harassed. I was fortunate. Granted when I was a kid I would get a snack upon getting out of school. My grandma would most likely make us a quesadilla. I would later have dinner too. I was one of those kids that was outside til the sun went down and was always active. I want the same for my children. However, I have been starting to worry about what my dieting is doing to my children. Momma Henri suggested I tell them that we are eating "healthy". I think that says it all.
I am done with lunch and will post more later.
I need suggestions and advice on how to handle dieting with children. I don't want them to feel that it is a way of life and the only way they will be happy is if they are thin.
Love ya all!
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Monday, October 11, 2010
My first fill
I check in for my first fill and all seems normal. I already knew it was going to be done at the hospital. I assumed the Bariatric Nurse was going to be doing the fill since she is now licensed or something to do them in AZ. She said she was the first in AZ.
I'm waiting to be called back in and I hear the nurse before I see her. lol. I love her outgoing personality. What surprised me is that the nurse called a few of us to go back. We get back in the room and get on the body mass scale. (Something that gives about 50 readings and a print out). According to that scale I am down 57 pounds. I kept staring at the two printouts with the past and present information. Stunned is about the right word for how I felt. Keep in mind only 14 of that is post op since August 19th. 7.5 weeks later. My home scale gives me a higher loss than any other scale. I also had some stress eating while out of town for my daughter's surgery and over my grand niece Isabella.
I noticed that my surgeon and nurse are both wearing x-ray smocks so of course I ask why. The answer is fills are done under xray & we have a barium swallow test too. I am shocked. Stress level instantly goes up. I sure as heck did not expect that. I thought I was just going to get a poke with some saline. The guy to my left was having his first fill also. He handled it a lot better than I did. Some are saying they have been poked up to 9 times at one fill. Its now my turn, I go back and am immediately given my barium. Stand, swallow, & I'm good to go. Time to lay on the x-ray table. My eyes are all bug eyed because I am trying to see everything. It looks like everything for a fill comes in a box. Let me tell you that I've never really been afraid of needles. I used to take Depo and that was a huge needle so I am still thinking no biggie. Yeah right... today was a BIG needle. The nurse is squirting saline out of the syringe and all I could think is I wish that was going in me. Next thing you know saline landed on me. Close to what I was thinking but not quite what I wanted.
My surgeon is feeling around and looking on the screen as I am holding a half sit up pose. She says ok here goes the 'big poke'. OUCH it was a miss. I think I moved on her. My port continues to be sore so I am sure I flinched. She tries again... here goes the poke... OMG it felt like she was trying to hit a wall or something. I swear it thudded. She is pushing and pushing on the syringe plunger I don't really feel anything other than the 'big poke'. She gave me 3 ccs so I now have 4 ccs. I was given 1 cc at surgery. I get to stand up and go have more barium. Yummy. :(
Time to sit out in the room and drink my water. I felt nauseous. Not too bad. It passed fairly quickly. I then move on to lightheaded dizziness. I'm kind of used to that now because my blood preesure keeps fluctuating, I keep talking with the other people getting fills all the while absorbing everything they have to say. Water is all gone. Yay! No gurgling. No throwing up. Not feeling the best but not too bad. I think I even like the 'assembly line' of fills since you get to talk with each other while you wait & drink.
Now my concerns. Has anyone ever gotten 3 ccs at once? Is that a nit agressive or is it just me thinking that? My surgeon did say it is better to get it off in the begnning faster because the loss does slow down. Is it normal to feel nauseous after water? I had soft serve ice cream and had no problems with it. (Of course I wouldn't its ice cream). I have a bit of a headache which could be my stress level. It sort of feels like the water is 'sitting' in my stomach but its not swooshing. I actually feel like I did the first two weeks post op.
What's your experience with a fill?
What's your take on the fill size?
Goodnight my dears!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Eye Surgery & Baby Isabella
Baby Isabella is out of danger. Thank you for the prayers. She does have a blockage caused from the NEC infection and will be having surgery. Probably in about 3 weeks. She has to recover fully from the NEC infection. I did get to see her today and she looks so much better than she did in Yuma. God is holding her hand.
Just so you know I didnt eat all the food earlier. I did eat all of the egg salad. The insides of the grilled cheese. I brought home all of the olives except the black ones they were yucky. I ate the a few onion rings and all the gravy off the mashed potatoes.
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